Just as Andy Dufresne in “The Shawshank Redemption” climbed through a river of sewage and came out clean on the other side, so too have we, Hank and Fish, emerged from the dimly lit, figurative basement of The Dartmouth, Dartbeat, to its crown jewel, the sports section’s back page. We, unlike Dufresne, were not justly rewarded for hard work and sacrifice. Rather, we were only promoted into the actual paper due to an acute shortage of sports columnists on campus over sophomore summer and the misplaced generosity of editor-in-chief Lindsay Ellis, who before editing this column had accepted only Fish and not Hank’s friend request on Facebook. In a scenario straight out of sports editor Jasmine Sachar’s nightmares, we’ve come under her command, and the burden now lies upon her to transform us from the fat and smug bloggers we are into columnists.
We sat down to write this column freshly infuriated by Portugal’s last-minute equalizer against the U.S. Despite our initial rage at the final result (which by all standards was a historic American soccer success), we found immediate comfort in Cristiano Ronaldo’s devilish good looks and longer-term solace through a logical examination of how well the U.S. has done thus far. This week, Riding the Pine will try to supply you with that same level of relief — not by attaching pictures of the Portuguese star, but by breaking down how surprising and exciting the American run has been to this point.
It would be impossible to explain the U.S.’s success without first crediting the Klins-mann with the plan: U.S. head coach Jurgen Klinsmann. Klinsmann’s first controversial move came when he decided to cut the most well-known American soccer player of all time, Landon Donovan. Klinsmann butted heads with Donovan for several reasons, including Donovan’s perceived lack of passion, his lack of adequate competition in Major League Soccer — which, as far as soccer leagues go, isn’t the world’s strongest — and Donovan’s status as a fan darling coasting on his former success. As we wrote this damning description of Donovan, we were forced to confront the sobering realization that we, in fact, are mirror images of the American striker — uber-talented, widely beloved, but sadly unchallenged and miserably bored. With every move he makes, however, Klinsmann seems to justify his exclusion of Donovan from the squad.
Through two matches, Klinsmann’s substitutes have led to late offensive breakthroughs and the unforgettable game-winning header by defender John Brooks against Ghana. Without Klinsmann’s tactical genius, the U.S. would undoubtedly be wallowing in the depths of Group G, on the road to elimination like Spain, now the black sheep of the soccer world.
The U.S. opened up group play with a hugely important fixture against the bane of our soccer existence, the mighty nation of Ghana. The U.S. notched a goal within the first minute against the Black Stars (who had eliminated us in the two prior cups). After forward Clint Dempsey’s stunning start to the game, Ghana knocked the U.S. around for the next 80 minutes of action. The U.S. could barely retain possession: forward Jozy Altidore pulled up with a strained hamstring 21 minutes into play, midfielder Michael Bradley looked totally out of place on the pitch, and the U.S. was lucky that Ghana could only convert one of its 21 shots. Out of nowhere, Klinsmann’s substitutes saved the day for the Stars and Stripes. A beautiful corner from sub to sub ended up in the back of the net, and the U.S. escaped host city Natal with the victory and three points.
Despite managing an early win in the group of death, the U.S. needed to gain at least a draw against Portugal before its likely defeat at the hands of the powerful Germans. Reverting to the vintage disappointment of its soccer teams in the past, the Americans carelessly allowed an early goal from midfielder Nani off a flubbed clearance in the box. Riding the Pine quickly grew to hate this Nani character despite being completely unaware of his existence before kickoff. We thought Ronaldo was supposed to be the good one. In a match full of twists and turns, the U.S. seemed to grow stronger with every passing moment spent in the heat of the Amazon rainforest.
We slotted two impressive goals to take a late lead, which could have been even wider but for a few unlucky bounces. In the 95th minute with only seconds remaining in the match, the U.S. seemed destined for a monumental win. In a last-ditch effort, Ronaldo, beautiful and deadly, delivered a world-class cross to the head of a Portuguese player, anonymous for all intents and purposes, preventing the U.S. from being the first Group G team to advance to the knockout stage.
The U.S. is slated to take on Germany just two days from now, a match with massive implications. A win or tie will put the Americans through to the knockout stage. Even a loss does not disqualify them, so long as Ghana does not win their final fixture against the Portuguese.
Statistician Nate Silver at FiveThirtyEight gives the U.S. a 74.7 percent chance of advancing to the knockout stage. Unfortunately, he estimates that Riding the Pine only has a 4.7 percent chance of living to write another day. If you open these sports pages next Tuesday and don’t see our familiar and slightly off-putting faces, we only ask that you don’t tell our parents that we got fired from our only on-campus extracurricular activity.
