Dear Gardner and Kate,
All my friends have been complaining about their theses for the last eight to nine months. Soon, they'll all be done with them. I fear a good part of our friendships have become centered on my listening to them and intermittently shaking my head as they talk about their unresponsive advisors, ill-advised topics and how much work they have. What will we talk about now?
Sympathetic Sara '13
Gardner: First, don't get too far ahead of yourself. It's crunch time for thesis writers, the time where the gap between people writing theses and happy people becomes the largest. They will surely need your benevolent head-nodding and shoulder-patting in the next two weeks. After they finally reach the land of milk and honey that is senior spring without a thesis, any human interaction should be enough to get them excited about your friendship. If you're really lacking conversation topics, I suggest the weather.
Kate: Even if you've intently listened to discussion of land disputes between North Kenyan pastoralists for months, you need to stick it out to the finish. Ignoring a mass blitz to attend a thesis presentation will be viewed as a personal attack. It doesn't matter if you are just now stumbling through Spanish 3, and the presentation is entirely in Arabic you better be there, smiling in support at the appropriate pauses. Google translate a lay-up question for extra friendship credit. The presentation also offers a means of transitioning to post-thesis life. Immediately sweep your friend off to Molly's, Murphy's or to take shots in the Novack bathroom. Then, refuse to allow your friend to discuss anything academic the rest of the term. You both have earned this.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
When is it appropriate to not wear sleeves? Is it acceptable to literally only wear tanks?
Senior Spring Sam '13
Gardner: I'm a bit more conservative than the traditional "Sun's out, guns out" rule of thumb. It seems necessary to wear sleeves to class, meetings with professors and dinner with your significant other's parents.
Kate: If you are wearing sleeves at any other time, grab the nearest scissors or shard of broken glass and cut them off immediately. Same goes for jeans.
Dear Kate,
I need help with room draw. I literally know nothing where do sophomores even live?
Homeless Helga '16
Kate: As a resident in South Fay my senior spring for reasons I can't really explain outside of an Unbreakable Vow, I'd say sophomores dominate the Fayerweathers, Mass Row and Gold Coast. It's tempting to approach your floormate who has the best housing number with a nervous, "So, I was thinking about housing..." However, you need to think about other factors. Rushing, pledge term, freshman floor separation anxiety and a tendency to take everything a little too seriously make sophomore fall uniquely dramatic and occasionally traumatic. Find your most relaxed friend and make an Excel document of rooms ranked by size and closeness to Collis and/or KAF. Half the sophomore class is off in the winter anyway, so even a one room double with a wifed up roommate in Topliff can be endured as a temporary setback.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
How do I tell my DFMO (dance floor makeout) from last night who flitzed me this morning that I just want to be friends?
Indifferent Ira '16
Gardner: First of all, thanks for clarifying what "DFMO" means via parenthetical statement. Kate and I were utterly clueless regarding your acronym. If only a similar parenthetical statement had explained this strange word "flitz" as well. It seems like two words put together but which two? Flakey Ditz? Flannel Ritz? Flabbergasted Fritz? I don't know why you're writing us for advice, it seems that you have it all figured out during freshman spring with your clever Dartmouth-specific language!
Kate: Say, "I just want to be friends," and don't make out with him or her again. Or, you can make things really awkward by not responding and pretending not to recognize your DFMO buddy until you try to run it back sophomore summer. If that's not obnoxious enough, reply with ambiguously flirtatious messages before cutting off communication mid-conversation. Then, complain to your single friends and advice columnists about how difficult it is to have people who want to make out with you.
Dear Gardner,
My fraternity currently has three dogs. Should we get a fourth?
Canine-loving Charlie '14
Gardner: If you only had two dogs, I would be opposed to a new dog. However, the possibilities of four dogs are endless. You could have a table going in the basement with only dogs. You could dress them as the Fantastic Four for Halloween. You could even make the best fraternity Green Key t-shirt of all time with the four dogs' faces on Mt. Rushmore. Plus, everyone loves a new puppy.
