Dear Gardner and Kate,
It's so nice outside that I never want to be indoors. However, whenever I'm outside I don't get any work done. Please advise.
Distracted Daphne '16
Gardner: I'm going to advocate for the paradoxical strategy of only working in the grimmest reaches of the library on nice days. Last spring, I had a paper due on the Saturday of Green Key, obviously the nicest weekend of the spring, at midnight. After trying the "I'm going to work in periodicals because it's such a nice day" approach and failing miserably, I confined myself to Lower Level Berry, a dark place with no windows second in misery only to the 1902 Room after 2 a.m. Compelled by unhappiness over being there, my productivity increased fivefold until I actually finished my paper and got to enjoy the beautiful days outside.
Kate: If you're like me, you need to accept that you're only going to get work done after the sun sets. The sun setting at 8:01 PM and rising at 5:30 AM gives you nine and a half hours to get work done if you play your cards right. Optimize your time by eating all your meals outdoors, day drinking and napping on the Green for hours.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
Should I take two or three classes my sophomore summer?
Crossing the X in the Wrong Direction Dorothy '15
Gardner: First of all, has anyone been named Dorothy since "The Wizard of Oz" came out? Are you actually my great aunt who goes by Dottie? There's a good chance you're the first Dartmouth student named Dorothy since coeducation started in 1972. Jokes aside, you should take three classes unless one of them is Orgo or Econ 26. Most sophomore summer classes adjust expectations accordingly, so taking three won't ruin your summer. Don't do anything outlandish like take a 3A or 3B and you'll have every opportunity to enjoy sophomore summer.
Kate: I just searched the Dartmouth Name Directory and not found zero undergraduates named Dorothy. Therefore, I am ethically forced to draw attention to the fact that Gardner spends about half his word count mocking not only imaginary people's problems, but also their names. Despite his gross misuse of this "advice" column, however, I do have to agree with Gardner on three classes. Classes, even those that cut into your time at the river, serve as a uniquely ideal facetime opportunity during sophomore summer. Because there are fewer courses and primarily '15s on campus, you'll almost definitely end up being able to finagle a seat next to the person you're trying to sleep with. Go for the distrib, stay for the study dates.
Gardner: I stand by my comment.
Dear Kate,
Someone called me a SWUG. What does that mean?
Senior Sally '13
Kate: SWUG originated from Yale and stands for "senior washed up girl." However, the Dartmouth SWUG is beyond "washed up" into the land of "just don't care anymore." Add one point to your SWUG score if you:
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Regularly go out in gym clothes or sweat pants or with a backpack
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Skip tails to drink wine in your off-campus house
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Tell everyone you hook up with '15s because you "know too much" to find '13s sexually attractive, even though you have been planning your last chance list for months
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Have over 10 $4 Molly's charges on your debit card, predominantly from Monday and Wednesday evenings with "the girls"
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Feel no shame showing up uninvited at any tails event, semi or freshman pre-game
If you have more than four points, welcome to the loving female-dominated social space that is SWUG-nation. I personally have been training since sophomore summer, when I hit the important pre-SWUG milestones of first crippling hangover, first time playing pong without pants and complete cynicism regarding romantic relationships.
Dear Gardner,
Is it okay to wear headphones when I'm walking around campus?
Oblivious Oliver '16
Gardner: It's not my place to scold you for being anti-social and hating everyone, which you seem to do by wearing headphones around campus. However, it is my place to scold you if you aren't just listening to your headphones, but instead being an oblivious fool and talking into them. No amount of convenience provided by not having to lift your arm to your head warrants how dumb you look when someone thinks you're talking to them. To summarize, no and, furthermore, no.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
How do I stop making really bad decisions at 3 a.m.?
Girl '14
Gardner: I don't understand what is so difficult about this question. Go to sleep before 3 a.m. like a normal person.
Kate: If that fails, make sure your phone is dead or in your friend's hands by 12:30 a.m., reducing your 3 a.m. path of destruction to those in your immediate vicinity. Then, take a second at 2:59 a.m. and think about, if not the consequences of your actions, the expressions on your friends' faces if you were to tell them about your decisions tomorrow at breakfast. If expressions include pride, amusement or ignoring you to enjoy a waffle, by all means, feel free to carry on. If you can predict disapproval, horror, tears or gagging, run home and put yourself to bed immediately.
