Dear Gardner and Kate,
I don't understand One Wheelock. Is it acceptable to hang out and talk there during the day or is it more like the eighth library?
Whispering Wanda '15
Gardner: I'm writing this in One Wheelock and just witnessed an illustrative example of why you should treat it as a quiet and not social space during the day. Two '16s who seem to be lost and think they're sitting in Collis Cafe apparently don't notice that everyone is working and are loudly having the following conversation: "I have a bid to Psi U locked up already.""Isn't it a little early to know?""Yeah, but I know a lot of brothers and they like me a lot. I beat two of them in pong too, so I'm not worried.""Cool, I'll just hang out with you when we go there"Well played, boys. See you at the rush event.
Kate: I have found my most perplexing One Wheelock situations to occur at the twilight hours. Many a time I have enjoyed "working dinner" in One Wheelock, stewed in my lack of friends and acquaintances willing to eat with me. Suddenly, the mostly non-operational, student-run study space transforms into the most alternative of social scenes. Is it appropriate for me to partake in microbrewsm, Lou's pies and spoken word poetry when these nuggets of happiness are clearly not meant for the anti-social gremlin studying in the corner? The best solution I've found is to grab what I can, put in some Bose earphones and snap my fingers in encouragement whenever the speakers, singers or Taboo players look particularly enthused.
Dear Kate,
What's on your Dartmouth bucket list your senior spring?
Lauren Vespoli '13
Kate: My number one bucket list item is completing my thesis, so I don't have time for your senior spring shenanigans, Vespoli. However, I do have a list of things that someone, preferably someone with a column dedicated to such tomfoolery, should complete in the coming term: Tattoo "Live Free or Die" across your back. Take a shot in all seven libraries on campus in under an hour. Interview everyone you've hooked up with at Dartmouth to learn what areas need improvement. Elope. And finally, get every frat, sorority and coed to interrupt their party, pong scene or empty basement to play the masterpiece "Booty Wurk (One Cheek At A Time)" by T-Pain (featuring Joey Galaxy). I can definitely take a study break for the last one, so blitz me.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
My friend is really sad that his girlfriend broke up with him, but it was clearly his fault. How do I deal with this?
Perplexed Pete '14
Gardner: Breakups: where you get to keep telling someone that they're awesome despite ample evidence to the contrary. Unless he was broken up with over something particularly egregious, you owe him three things: the occasional "Yeah man, that sucks," a standing offer to buy him a beer at Murphy's and a half-hearted attempt to find him a semi date.
Kate: I'm all about telling your friends any number of half-truths and lies in the name of love. Start small by assuring him that his ex is "clearly in the wrong" and he can do so much better. Then, rebuild his confidence: "I bet she's regretting breaking up with you now," "I can definitely tell you've been working out," "Don't worry, you'll get a job." Continue to reassure him that her new man is a total scrub and that single life is so much better than a loving, emotionally fulfilling relationship until you both believe it. Also, to any of my friends reading this column, I would never lie to you and you are all literally perfect.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
I'm trying to prevent my days from getting repetitive. Do you have any suggestions?
Mundane Michael '16
Gardner: You should find small games to play with yourself throughout the day. You can take time to come up with your own. Coming from what I like to think of as the south, I made up a game called "How much sugar is it possible to dissolve into my KAF iced tea?" I play every day. I always win. Others possibilities include the "Like, Um, So Game" during class presentations, i.e., counting the number of times the presenter uses each, and shooting frisbees out of the air over the Green.
Kate: Variety is the spice of life, baby. Alternatively, spice is the variety of life. Utilize the trays of random herbs and spices in Collis and FoCo to make your omelets, vegetarian stew and casserole creations more appealing. Every other aspect of your life will immediately improve.
Dear Gardner,
I'm running for Student Assembly president and wanted to know if you have any campaign advice?
Anonymous Amanda '14
Gardner: Congratulations on seeking out the position with the highest possible ratio of power on a resume to actual power. You should target your campaign solely at freshmen. They are the most likely to vote and yet have no idea what they're doing. Freshmen redefine lack of institutional memory. You can easily convince '16s that your plan to send delegates out to student groups is a fresh way to connect campus and empower the Assembly instead of the same plan that has been proposed in the last four elections. And don't worry too much, you need a maximum 20 percent of the student body to vote for you in order to win.
