While Dartmouth may not have gained its renown from its varsity teams, there is something to be said about athletics at Dartmouth. From the preponderance of kids walking around in running shorts and t-shirts that haven't seen the gym in weeks to the numerous club sports teams (dressage, anyone?), everyone seems to want in on a piece of this athleticism. However, not everyone who wants be part of a team is, uh, "athletically talented," especially if they're willing to call throwing a Frisbee a sport. But halt, my brethren, look no further! I have put together a list of Dartmouth-friendly sports teams for the athletically disabled like you.
-
Varsity Facetime: In the olden days, the game was played by simply spending an inordinate amount of time on FFB or strolling down the FoCo runway (RIP) on a regular basis. That was club level. The game has changed. No longer does getting a column in The Mirror bring you campus celeb status no, today is a different story. Today, we leave the bubble and kick it up to varsity. Today's facetime leaves the walls of Bored@Baker and trolls the pages of NBC, Rolling Stone, HuffPo and HypeM. You name it. The search for the next campus celeb is on.
-
Varsity ListServ Abuse: This sport revolves around seeing how much of your life can be accomplished by other people, from personal blitzes to the all-campus ListServ. Club level ListServ abuse examples include "abuse: iPhone charger in major campus hub" or "abuse: Advil @now." Varsity players employ more complicated requests, almost always in all capital letters to emphasize the direness of the situation. "ABUSE: is the Collis kale crunchy today? Like, crunchy crunchy?"; "ABUSE: errands"; "ABUSE: does Phi Delt do song requests?"; and "ABUSE: housing, dignity."
-
Jim Kim-nastics: This is a new, experimental sport. It is played by walking into a frat, declaring yourself president, getting really into whatever football game is on TV and leaving after three hours. Extra points are awarded for the following: flips, backbends, full twists and dressing up as Dr. Seuss and holding luncheons.
-
Mupload Speed Racing: As the official sport of Facebook champions, mupload speed racing is fiercely competitive at Dartmouth. The sport is played by taking a picture of a cute/funny/stupid scene with your iPhone and uploading it to Facebook. This is turned into a sport when more than one person is taking a photo. The winner is the person whose picture is first uploaded. However, in the case of a tie, the contestant with the best caption or most likes within the first 10 minutes wins.
-
Self-Call Bocce Ball: Unlike regular bocce ball, the bocce (and balls) in self-call bocce ball (henceforth referred to as SCBB to save space and time) are totally optional. SCBB is a two-player sport, where each player makes gains by calling themselves out on something that they've accomplished. This continues until both players realize that everyone else around them has left.
-
Pong: Last, but certainly the opposite of least, comes Dartmouth's greatest sport. Much has been said about the illustrious sport "a competitor's game," "Dartmouth born and bred" and "three for?" But in the end, pong speaks for itself.
