Five senior men shared their stories of self-discovery and personal struggles before a packed audience gathered in Collis Common Ground for the annual Men of Dartmouth panel Wednesday evening. The event aimed to challenge the "Dartmouth norm" regarding perceptions of masculinity, according to the event's moderator Dennis Zeveloff '12.
Tyler '12, Will '12, Jin '12, Mike '12 and one member of the Class of 2012 who wished to remain anonymous discussed the transformative nature of their Dartmouth experiences and how they have utilized their struggles to grow as students and individuals. The panelists spoke on the condition of anonymity due to the personal nature of the event.
TYLER
Growing up in Texas, Tyler was always very close to his mother, whom he described as a "very enthnocentric, black power, fist-in-the-air type of mom."
Although the community in which he lived was very diverse, Tyler explained that "growing up below the Mason-Dixon line, you encounter different racial things." He described one experience in which several white children refused to enter a local pool with him because "their parents said that all black people were filthy."
Upon arriving at Dartmouth, Tyler said he believed that if he "bought some boat shoes and polos" he would easily fit in given the progressive nature of Dartmouth's campus. Tyler said he faced similar racial discrimination on campus, however, and cited an instance in which two "older white women" intentionally crossed the street in order to avoid passing him on the sidewalk.
"I was very self-conscious of my skin color," Tyler said. "No matter where I was, my skin color was the first thing people noticed about me."
Tyler said he often considered transferring during his freshman year due to a prolonged depression that manifested in chronic tension headaches. Tyler eventually formed close bonds with several floormates who he said shared his values and had similar life experiences. Tyler and his floormates joined Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity to help them discover their identities, he said.
"They had a very high sense of self-worth and were very outspoken," Tyler said. "I had discovered my home at Dartmouth."
Male '12
The anonymous student said he had always felt an unidentifiable anxiety in social situations throughout high school.
"I was a little bit socially unfulfilled in high school and hated everyone around me," he said while laughing.
He came to Dartmouth and envisioned the perfect man to be "this affluent, white, affiliated athlete," an image he said he strove to embody.
"The idea of being gay was just too perverse for me to think about," he said.
His frustration hit its peak during sophomore Summer, at which point he said he admitted to a friend that he "didn't really like girls anyway." Admitting that to himself was "pure euphoria," he said.
While both his mother and sister accepted his sexuality immediately, the student said it took his father almost a year to fully embrace his son's sexuality.
"I tried to reach out to him but he was almost repulsed, he couldn't even hug me," he said. "It was the first real test of my courage."
Throughout his sophomore year, the student struggled with insecurity regarding people discovering his sexuality. He did not realize that he had a substance abuse problem until his first sexual encounter with another gay student at Dartmouth, he said.
"I was so drunk that I didn't even know what happened, and it was probably the most emasculating experience of my life," he said. "It made me scared about being gay."
Acceptance from his friends, fraternity brothers and fellow sports team members helped transform his experience as a gay student at Dartmouth and enabled him to be happy as his true self, he said.
MIKE
Mike said his childhood was characterized by his "ability to turn the ordinary into the interesting." After his parents separated when he was seven years old, Mike was inspired to "explore within," he said.
"I've always felt close to something higher than myself the voice of truth speaks from within all of us, but it can only be heard when we are vulnerable enough to listen," Mike said. "I wake up thankful every day for another chance to explore. Happiness is not a gift, it's a choice."
When he was recruited to play varsity lacrosse at Dartmouth, Mike felt as though his identity was predetermined, he said.
"All I had to do was show up," he said. "Instead of listening to the voice inside me, I put on my jersey and sprinted forward, chasing blackouts with one-night stands."
Mike was diagnosed with dyslexia during high school, an obstacle that strongly influenced his career at Dartmouth. Mike said he felt "plagued" by a disability that made his daily life a struggle and he became depressed, quit the lacrosse team and strayed from many of his friends.
"I found myself strip-teasing in a room full of girls drunk off my own egotism," Mike said.
He was awakened during his junior Winter, however, when he studied Buddhism and taught English in Nepal. During a break, he visited a monastery known for its silent prayer.
"To most people, 18 hours of silence sounds like cruel and unusual punishment, but to me it was heaven," Mike said. "It felt like home."
Upon returning from Nepal, Mike felt like a "changed man" and dedicated his time to various service groups. In keeping with a tradition his mother forced him to start during his deepest point of depression, Mike closed with five things that he was thankful for: his dyslexia, his past, his body, his friends and the opportunity to share his words.
JIN
After emigrating from China to Hawaii with his parents, Jin and his family experienced extreme poverty.
"My parents took me to this market when I was five or six and I saw this box of magic markers that I wanted really badly, so I made a scene in front of complete strangers," he said. "Even at that moment I knew what I was doing I was making my parents ashamed that they couldn't purchase a box of markers for me."
Much of Jin's life was shaped by his father, whose angry personality made being in a room together feel like "stepping on eggshells," he said. School came to represent a safe place for Jin.
While Jin came to Dartmouth to escape poverty and his father, he initially felt alienated by the gap between his values and those of his classmates. To counter this feeling of isolation, Jin joined Thursday Night Salsa, through which he met members of the Hanover community and "welcoming" upperclassmen, he said. The group represented an activity that Jin would have been unable to participate in when he was younger due to financial constraints, he said.
When Jin returned to China during his freshman Summer to visit family, he discovered that his parents had been sending money to fund his grandparents' hospital bills. When his grandmother died and his father asked him to speak to his grandmother's portrait, Jin felt a profound sense of "cultural confusion," he said. The idea that the dead could "hear you speaking" was entirely foreign to him, he said.
When Jin became a first-year undergraduate advisor during his sophomore year, "the freshman energy" invigorated him, he said. As he learned about his friends' childhoods, he began to examine his own and he realized how much his father had sacrificed for his family, he said.
WILL
Will said he had hoped that his time at Dartmouth would be an extension of his high school experience. His freshman year was relatively "typical," but sophomore year for him represented a time in which students identified themselves on campus. He said that at the time, he thought students who did not belong to Greek organizations were not truly part of the community.
After failing to receive a bid from fraternities several times, Will began to make a series of "poor decisions" that had long-lasting repercussions, he said.
"I just started drinking and continued and didn't stop until it got to 3 a.m. and I blacked out," Will said. "I didn't know what I was doing and I got Good Sammed. I was resisting and struggling and I accidentally kicked one of the EMTs."
When he awoke the next morning, his entire perception of the world had changed, he said.
"I started to re-evaluate who I was as a person," he said. "I looked at myself and said, This is not the person I want to be.'"
Will said he altered his approach toward Dartmouth and joined organizations that aim to positively impact the school, including the Council on Student Organization and Student Assembly. Although he was unsuccessful in his bid for a leadership role in the Assembly, he said he succeeded in becoming a leader at the school.
"I have no regrets from junior year," he said. "I made all the right decisions to be the best person I'm going to be."
