Happy Thursday, happy Homecoming and a happy welcome back to all of the alumni trickling into Hanover over the next couple of days (as long as you don't chafe the pong lines too much).
There's something funny about coming back to this place after long periods of time away. Last winter, I took my longest break from Hanover since I started here. I did not return to campus once between mid-March and late September (I arrived right on time for Orientation). Having spent Spring abroad in Argentina and Summer in New York, I can confirm that life exists outside the bubble. But I also had distinct moments of longing for Dear Old Dartmouth. By the time I got back to this place, I was giddier than ever to be here. The sensation must be similar for the alums. There's a certain timelessness to this place and it feels good to be home.
That's not to say things don't change at the College on the Hill. I'm sure other seniors will commiserate with me about the rash of changes we have been bombarded with this Fall: a new GreenPrint system, a new dining plan, new Hinman boxes, no breakfast at the Hop ... it feels abrasive. There's no denying that we quickly become creatures of habit in Hanover, and it certainly feels like trying to teach a bunch of old dogs a lot of new tricks.
Call it inevitable, call it progress even call it Jim Kim being a little chafed about our ranking in U.S. News and World Report but there's no denying that Dartmouth is brazenly moving forward into a new era.
Athletically, we're trying to flex our muscles and newfound prowess (see: first football night game). The athletic department has implemented a new program called Dartmouth Peak Performance an entire initiative dedicated to providing athletes here with whatever resources they need to maximize their potential. So far, we've been getting TruMoo chocolate milk after all of our workouts (yes, the same kind you buy at the Hop). Not revolutionary, but I suppose it's a start.
So instead of trying to fight it, I have embraced the new Dartmouth. I installed the new GreenPrint with great haste, started waiting inordinate amounts of time for iced mocachinos at King Arthur Flour and even made a regular habit of dining at the new FoCo (new official nickname: '53). At first, it was hard. It seemed contrived. I felt phony. But then, one night after stuffing my face full of beef bulgogi, I found myself urgently trying to make it home to the nearest bathroom. As the food ripped through my digestive system with a torpedo-like ferocity, I felt a comforting nostalgia on the toilet seat. This was the real FoCo, the real DDS I was used to. No matter how much they want to dress it up, this was still the Dartmouth I knew.
Dartmouth's true nature will always be the same. And change, as initially uncomfortable as it may seem, can help this place. So I turned a consultant's eye to all the other aspects of campus that could be made better with just a few minor improvements. Here's what I came up with:
1) Hop camera. If there's one thing worse than actually being forced to eat at the new Hop, it's being forced to wait in line for it. Sure, if there's nobody there I'll cruise through and grab some food, but not if I have to wait next to the studio art rooms for half an hour. So let's just put up a monitor right above the billboard (or replace the billboard, I don't really care if Don Giovanni is performing at 8 p.m.) that shows how long the line is. If it's too long, head to Bagel Basement. End of story.
2) Party umpire. Let's face it, nothing is a bigger buzzkill to a party then Safety and Security officers rolling through for a "scheduled walk through" or when they just feel like chafing. One way to safely and easily manage parties and handle disputes is a party ump. Let him wear his gear the mask, the shinguards, the whole nine yards and just patrol around the party making sure everything is running smoothly. Too many people in the house? You're outta here! Noise too loud? Warning to both teams! Plus, he'd be able to arbitrate all pong line disputes. Problem solved.
3) San Francisco-style campus trolley service. Taking a class at Tuck? Need to get to Burnham Field for a soccer game? Just really don't want to walk to the library from Collis? Get the guy with the best mustache on campus to operate a continuous trolley around campus 24/7. People just hopping on, hanging off the side tell me that wouldn't make any prospective student want to come here. Ranking improved instantly.
