Through the Lens of Lentz

by Dan Lentz | 9/26/11 10:00pm

I still have absolutely nothing to write about. It's been almost a year of me and this absurdly poor-titled column, and yet I still do not have much for you.

As usual, I think about what people who get paid to write about sports usually write about at this time of year. Luckily for you, I have already written about fantasy teams on campus. Unluckily for you, I'll be writing about betting lines. Deal with it.

The easiest form of gambling to understand and a large part of sports betting is over/unders. I am going to hand pick a few ubiquitous fall things on campus and give my picks. If you are so inclined you can make your picks, too, and if you do better than me I'll give you my entire yearly salary from The D seriously. Or if I get a certain number wrong I'll do something stupid at the end of the term. I'm already accepting ideas.

How it works? I choose a topic, say, the number of completely idiotic, rambling nonsensical articles I write this Fall term (I usually churn out about nine, rarely on time though). I then give a number lets say 8.5. Why a fraction? So ties are impossible and so that you cannot push the bet. Why 8.5 out of 9? I am essentially forcing you to bet that I will either fill The D with random words every week or not. Get it?

Ok, first up, let's go with the number of arrests there will be over Homecoming weekend. According to The D, there were seven arrests in 2009, 11 in 2008, 12 in 2007 and no available numbers in 2010. So what does this mean? We are putting the over/under at 9.5.

My reasoning? Well, we know there were a few arrests last year and that 2009 could be an aberration. My number essentially says, do you think there will be double digit offenses or single digit ones? I'll have to go with the under. It could be that kids are smarter and more responsible, or just better at eluding the police. But clearly, there is a trend. It doesn't matter which direction it's in.

As I sit here writing, my computer says that the outside temperature is a little below 80 degrees. That being said, how many times will it snow before we leave for winter break? (Yes, '15s, it snows a lot.) And consequently, when will students be forced inside instead of going to Big Green games?

I think the number was two or three two years ago, and I seem to remember last year being less. So lets go with an over/under of 2.5. (Clarification: We are talking full snow-ball worthy snow here, not just a dusting). I'll take the under, going with Al Gore and global warming on this one.

Another Homecoming one for all you mid-October antsy readers: number of freshmen to touch the fire and rush the field. Last year The D reported a combined number of 10. My freshman year: zero. Once again, good stuff, 2013. In past years, there have even been people stupid enough to get hospitalized with burns from the fire.

For obvious reasons, I think it's easier to rush the field than to touch the fire. For the record, rushing after the game does not count because if we win, everyone will get on the field. I am willing to say that approximately five people will rush the field during halftime, but the bigger question for me is how many will touch the fire. I think it's safe to say you have at least one or two attempts. So let's combine those and go with an over/under of 6.5.

So do I hedge my earlier arrests bet here and go over? Or do I double down and say that the Class of 2015 will be as weak as the '13s? I double down they are, of course, the worst class ever and I go with the under.

How about the new Foco ... er, the Class of 1953 Commons? I am going to save my dissertation on the new meal plan for another day. But what do we think the number of weeks will be until something is tweaked with the arrangement or the meal plan? Today was the umpteenth day in a row that I have seen a line outside of '53 Commons during the lunch hour.

So I am going to go with 10 weeks (read: this term or not). I am going to go against my best judgment here and go with the under. Administrators are generally slow to act, but they knew there would be problems if they did, and they'll fix them. I have faith, JYK.

To put in the obligatory sports over/under, I am going with the Big Green winning 3.5 Ivy League championships this year. Why 3.5? Because it's too early to make an educated guess about each individual team, but I want to say we'll have a good year. Prove me right, Dartmouth sports.

Back to my first example to finish up. Will I pull a Seinfeld and write about nothing all term? I would personally take the over (yes), unless of course The D asks me to stop writing before the end of the term.

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