I realize I have made disparaging remarks about many Dartmouth sports in the past few weeks. The truth is that I don't actually look down on any of these except for frisbee (really?). I just never played them and probably couldn't. It would be safe to say that it would be hilarious to actually see me try them.
First off, let's get to crew. I often give these guys flak. It's not because I don't think these people are athletes, it's just the thought of the sport itself. I mean, I can't really imagine someone like me with EBAs on speed dial trying to cut weight to be a lightweight rower. It just wouldn't fit.
Nor can I imagine myself on a boat doing the same thing over and over again. What would probably happen with me, besides somehow managing to hit someone with my oar (I don't know if that's possible, but I'd find a way), is that I would get really annoyed with someone at the front of the boat yelling at me to pull. Towards the end of the race, I'd simply say, "Pull harder? OK." Then proceed to grab the coxswain and pull them into the water.
My version of crew would most likely turn into some kind of Viking sea battle, with ramming boats and what not. Last boat afloat wins.
Then there is track. I actually ran a little track in high school, so let me tell you how that went. I did it to get out of my 8 a.m. gym class, and the coach knew it. So at the meet my coach signed me up for the 4x400 meter relay not a good thing.
This event happens to be at the very end of the meet, and if you have ever been to one of these things you know it is the most painfully boring 10 hours of your life it's like if a crew race were somehow that long sorry. Like I said, I mean no offense.
But back to my brief stint in running track. In our relay I was the anchor, and when I got the baton we were in second, so my instincts of course told me to immediately try and go get the lead. The problem with that was that no one told me I was racing against some All-State guy who knew what he was doing.
He let me grab the lead and then with about 100 meters left started to actually run. I felt him getting closer, so I tried to accelerate. I swear to you that I almost fell flat on my face. I have run 400s before and been fine, but clearly I was just stupid and spent all my energy on the first 300 meters. I finished the race, barely, but needless to say not in first.
We have already covered how dangerous I am on a golf course, so let's move on to tennis. I generally don't really make fun of tennis, but in terms of imagining myself playing something, it would be pretty funny to watch. Lets just say if the point of the sport were to hit the ball out of the court, I would be winning, and by a lot.
The sport that I generally admit I dislike the most? Soccer. While spending time in Europe has made me come around a bit and the fact that the Dartmouth players are good makes it a harder target, I still have this inexplicable urge to throw jokes their way.
But me playing it? Well, after about 10 minutes I would be passed out waiting for a break. Once again, I am painfully out of shape when it comes to endurance sports. If someone ever flopped against me, I'd probably try and get my money's worth and go Zidane on them. And well let's be serious, for me to play soccer I would need to be on that new designer drug it's called Charlie Sheen.
I might say to the equestrian team that little children do their sport at county fairs and ask if they do in fact realize that it is the horse moving, not them. But trying to imagine myself riding a horse in that outfit and hard hat is just not something I want to do. It would probably end up with me in the hospital and with a new respect for all riders.
The point really is that while there are sports that I tend to make fun of, it's because I cannot play them. It would be comical to watch me try.
So yes, I may follow the time-honored columnist tradition of making a few jokes, but in the end, there is a reason I am writing and you guys are playing.
Except for you, frisbee. No sport for you.
