Writer's Note: This column was written before I realized that the snow sculpture wasn't hollow. But don't let that make my argument hollow. The spirit remains. You can change prepositions if you want it to be accurate. Whatever. I'm not re-writing.
This Carnival, I want people to be thinking about one thing and one thing only. No, not skiing for 99 cents at the Skiway. No, not the success of our winter sports teams. No, not sweet parties. And definitely not alums. I want everybody to be thinking about having sex in the snow sculpture.
You think I'm immature? I think I'm mature. More mature than you realize. I know the kinds of memories that you want to have when you're a 60-year-old man (or woman!) thinking back on your glory days in college.
You're not going to care about the game of pong that you won, or that hockey game that you cheered at. Who won last year? I don't even know that.
Side note: you're knocking out one of the Dartmouth Seven while you do this. So good for you.
If you have sex in the snow sculpture, that's a memory that'll last for the rest of your life.
We all need to work together to help make this happen as much as possible.
Don't walk across the Green late at night if you're not there for business. Don't be that guy who stands and takes pictures of the sculpture for a half hour. You're the mayor of Cockblock City.
This goal will require vigilance and an acceptance of at least one person getting a numb butt. Oh well.
Don't settle for sex in a bed. That's what the communists want you to do. They want to placate you with their offers of warmth and cotton sheets and pillows and the ability to fall asleep after. If you do that, then the Reds win.
You never know where you might find your sculpture friend this weekend, so be on the lookout! I recommend the Hanover Inn. Scholars maintain that the only reason young alums come back is because they haven't finished the Dartmouth Seven. Help them finish it. If you're looking for younger love, there's always Platform 9 (RIP Pavilion). That's where all the caspers have been hiding.
If you have absolutely no game and no chance of getting slippery with it this Carnival, that doesn't mean you can't contribute to the cause. Go to CVS. Buy a box of condoms. Place it in the snow sculpture. You've done your part.
Or you can volunteer to be a lookout for people in the snow sculpture. Help people form an orderly queue. Hopefully that's what it'll come to. Let me dream.
When I go visit the sculpture on Sunday, I want to see a stack of condoms and not-condoms (think about it) so high that you could make a snowman out of it.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL is that I'll be building an igloo on President Kim's lawn for when the line gets too long at the snow sculpture. See you there.
