Gender discussions on campus, such as those that have accompanied V-Time events, often acknowledge that the actions and beliefs of men are an obstacle to improving conditions for women. However, these debates do not sufficiently consider women's role in perpetuating harmful attitudes and norms. In some ways, Dartmouth women are unwittingly preventing progress on the gender issues we continue to argue about year after year.
It was during my sophomore Spring, while getting ready for my sorority's formal with a few friends, that I first understood the unwritten Greek etiquette that allows many of the negative behaviors in our social scene to persist.
"You know you have to hook up with him, because you guys aren't friends," the conversation began. In what seemed like a bad outtake from "Mean Girls," my friends went on to explain that there are certain expectations for formals and deviating from these norms is discouraged.
One girl explained that during the last formal, she had acted appropriately by hooking up with the guy she was set up with in order to "thank him" for going to formal with her. He deserved to get something out of attending, she concluded.
The truly sad part of this conversation was that my friends really thought they were doing me a favor by attempting to explain to me, from their perspective, what is expected of a woman in the Greek system. Over time, I learned from other women what is considered acceptable behavior regarding interactions in fraternities. In addition to the fact that the proper accompaniment to a formal invitation is hooking up with your date (unless friendship is established) other rules include:
-
It is wrong to ask a guy to walk you home if you have platonic intentions.
-
If you have no intentions of hooking up with someone, you should decline a pong date so you don't waste his time.
-
It is acceptable and expected for guys to grind against you without asking at a dance party.
-
It is understood that a guy you met the night before may ignore you the next day no matter the level of intimacy you two may have achieved.
This is certainly not the standard for every woman on a night out in a Greek basement. Nevertheless, the fact that there are any Dartmouth women at all who adhere to these guidelines is a problem in my eyes.
The V-Time events this week are supposed to promote solidarity among women. The problem is that in some cases, the bonds that exist between women are fostering backwards, misguided attitudes. A twisted code of conduct has been spread amongst women for years. For every woman I meet who challenges these rules, there is another who accepts them as "just the way it is."
Every woman should be free to decide when, how often and with whom she will have physical relations. Promoting "rules" for this behavior is the antithesis of the freedom and choice that are supposed to characterize female empowerment. Nobody should feel pressured to change their behavior to fit standards that unequivocally favor men's interests. Every woman should be able to go to a formal, ask a guy to walk her home, play a pong game and be on the dance floor without worrying about what men and women will think of her.
While I don't excuse the disrespectful behavior of certain men on this campus, it is in part perpetuated by the behavior of some Dartmouth women. It is hypocritical to demand respect when some of us simultaneously feel bound to rules that only continue men's dominance over the basement scene.
So as we examine gender dynamics this week, we should remember that improvement begins with women respecting themselves. We must reject obligations to behave a certain way in the Greek scene. Doing so will change the expectations of men at Dartmouth and help to ameliorate the current gender dynamics that we find unacceptable.
