So I think I came up with a game-changing strategy for this column. Since this is always published on Mondays, I usually write it on Sundays. It recently dawned on me how terrible an idea this was, however, when I was taking a shower last Sunday. I had had (that's always weird, it's like "do do," except not funny) a pretty late night on Saturday and midway through my shower the next morning I couldn't remember if I had shampooed already or not. That's when it hit me if I was in such a state that I could not remember if I had shampooed, how the hell could I be even remotely clever in a column. Plus, on Sundays, I'm so stressed out from fantasy football that mentally I'm just not there. You know how girls complain that things like monthly cycles and birth control mess with their hormones and affect their moods? Fantasy football is the equivalent for boys. Instead of "that time of the month" though, it is only in the Fall and it is "that time of the week."
Anyway, after last week's column, which I admit blew, I decided I have reached a tipping point and am going to write my columns earlier in the week now. I kind of feel like Milton in "Office Space" when he's reached his limit and decides to torch the building. Getting a fresh start.
My column isn't the only place I'm going for a fresh start. Recently, I've noticed an increase in the amount of shit I've gotten for not being that tough. Coming mostly from the football meatheads in my fraternity, I've been hearing an especially high amount of nonner/un-athletic jokes, as well as questions like, "Do you think if Dolan had a baseball bat and I was unarmed, I could still kick his ass? Grunt."
I attribute this relatively sudden increase to two things. 1) They know it's just a matter of time before p90x turns me into a fighting machine, so they are trying to get their jokes in now. 2) Since they're seniors and they're football careers are almost over forever, that Bruce Springsteen song "Glory Days" is starting to sting a little bit.
Whatever the reason, the timing of their "Dolan's not tough" theme, could actually not have worked out better. As it turns out, next weekend, I'll be competing in what is described as "probably the toughest event on the planet." It's known as The Tough Mudder.
The Tough Mudder is a series of intense obstacle courses throughout the United States that are designed by British Special Forces. The one I'll be doing is in Englishtown, N.J., and has 19 obstacles along a 12.5 mile course.
Just to give you a sense of the types of things one does during the race, the course begins with a "Monster Chase," in which participants chase a monster truck through mud. Next is the "Ball Shrinker" you have to navigate a rope bridge over freezing water. I won't list all of them but the names of some of the other obstacles are the "Underwater Tunnel," "The Berlin Walls," "The Kiss of Mud," "The Fire Walker" and "Twinkle Toes." They are all slightly different, but they basically each involve mud, freezing water, fire or ropes.
Now I'm sure you're wondering one thing. Well probably lots of things, but the one I'll focus on is, "How do you possibly train for such a tough event?" According to the Tough Mudder website, one of best things you can do is to take a cold shower and then punch yourself in the face every morning. Check.
The website also has all kinds of actual exercises participants should do in preparation for various obstacles. Those are probably kind of helpful, but I do not see how they will help my mental grit, which might be the most important factor in the race. Instead, I've trained by creating tough mental challenges for myself such as attempting to play NBA 2k11 for six hours straight, seeing if I can make it through a conversation with Lane Shipley '11 or trying to watch a field hockey game for at least five minutes without killing myself. Let's just say, mentally, I'm good to go.
Luckily I won't be doing this alone. Sam Gehret '11 and Lane Bracken '11 will be joining me, as well my brother Chris and four friends from home. Together the eight of us will be team "Fiesta Forever" (think Lionel Ritchie's "All Night Long"). We're still finalizing the costume, but we're thinking something involving sombreros (there are awards for best costumes). I tried to get more friends to do this, but I guess most people just do not think they are tough enough.
By announcing my participation in this event, I realize I'm kind of taking a hit-or-miss strategy. Complete it and the debate over my toughness is over in my opinion. But should I fail, I'm pretty much franked on that topic. Either way, Dos Equis is the event's sponsor and there's a huge after party, so it'll still be worth it.
