I am not a gym rat. My shoulders are sloped, my legs are spindly, my pectorals are nonexistent, my posture is poor and has caused slight lumpiness where my neck runs into my back, and my wrists are as thin and brittle as uncooked Ramen. Still, although I bear no resemblance to Praxiteles' Hermes, I work out often enough to be amazed by the consistent disregard for courtesy that pervades Alumni Gym. Indeed, I recently observed a student interrupt a man meditating in the lotus position to ask if she could use his mat. Rules of propriety shouldn't dissolve with sweat. With this in mind I have compiled an abridged indictment of our collective lapses in gym etiquette (and other related grievances).
I. Don't be a carpetbagger and tote each of your valuables with you as you traverse the floor from machine to machine. I'm tired of finding stray jackets and sweatshirts hidden ingeniously like Horcruxes among the equipment. Your backpack can wait tranquilly in one of the cubbies. Laptops, calculators and cell phones have no place in the gym.
II. Don't strut in front of the mirrors, rotating slowly like a rotisserie turkey to savor every angle of your streamlined physique. Yes, I understand the mirrors are there to help make sure you are using proper technique, but nobody needs to watch you flex or re-feather your hair. Besides, if you believe you can watch your muscles grow, your ego is so bloated that it already has its own gravitational field.
III. Don't spit gobs of mucus into the water fountain and don't spend three minutes filling your 64 ounce bottle. There's a sink in the bathroom that works to fill it in seconds.
IV. Don't wear your iPod on your arm. Or bandannas. Or jeans.
V. Don't drop your weights on the floor, though please put them away when you are finished using them. If you can't gently place them on the ground, I imagine that they are too heavy for you to begin with.
VI. Guys, don't wear ironic fitness tees. The faux-lax pinnie that reads "Bro-life" is just as infuriating as the pompous muscle shirt that reads "I Benched 400 lbs and Survived!" And ladies, save your skimpy spandex for the frats. Above all, no one should ever wear matching apparel sold in a set velour tracksuits are only permissible for senior citizens living in gated Florida communities.
VII. Don't leave a slimy, germ-ridden pool of sweat on the machine. Nobody enjoys gripping an unexpectedly wet lat bar.
VIII. Don't stare at me silently while you wait to employ the machine that I am already using. Your passive-aggressive antics make me uncomfortable. Move on to another exercise or ask if I am almost done like a polite human being just don't swoop like a vulture to steal my place when I step away for 20 seconds to tie my shoe. Conversely, if you're doing multiple sets on a machine, have the common courtesy to let others work during your rest periods.
IX. Don't use the StairMaster. If you climb up stairs to get into the gym so that you can then use electric stairs, you are not healthy you are insane. Also, please adjust the resistance when operating the elliptical. Watching you pound away at 200 strides per minute is like watching a gerbil spin frantically in its wheel.
X. Don't assume that I am inviting you to tell me how much you can lift when I stare at you in disgust after you eke out three reps on the maximum weight and mutter a profanity loudly. I don't care.
Will Cuppy once said, "Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential." I'm not suggesting we embrace the Victorian ideals of yesteryear, but we must realize that like the courtroom or the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the fitness center has a standard (albeit more subtle) procedure for decorum. After all, communal living is an art that requires civility and mutual respect even in the gym.
