How to Succeed in Pong without Really Trying: A Treatise.
This week, dear readers, in lieu of taking on a few small questions, Miss Muffin Top wishes to share with you some of her most preciously accrued wisdom, acquired through no small amount of research. She is talking here, as you might have gleaned from the title, about the things she has learned in her years of competing in that illustrious racket contest they call "pong."
For those times when your next thought is "If only I wasn't so (bad/drunk/poorly-coordinated/apathetic)" here are some tips to get you in the game.
From Miss Muffin Top's limited time in the Career Services Department, she has learned one thing: you never get a second chance at a first impression. Starting off on the right foot, so to speak, is especially important when you are playing with a new partner. Miss Muffin Top's most impressive strategy is to eagerly snatch those initial sunken cups, and take a deep swig of the sweet sweet nectar of stones. This sends the all-important message that you are playing out of a deep, throbbing love for the game. You respect your partner, and you are trying to protect him (or her). Triumphantly place your inch-deep halves on the table. Congratulations, you are a down ass chick.
Now, any subsequent cup-drinking behavior is born out of desire and not lack of ability. Once you have preemptively drained a few cups, you are basically free to toss at will. This is the cheating part. "Look, over there! Oh my god, have you seen the ball? Here it is, in my hand. Guess which hand I am holding the ball in?"
Alternatively, feign intense anger. You are so appalled at the audacity of your opponent's sinking, or low shooting, that you cannot bear to waste the time to drink from your cup. Toss it to the ground dramatically. No one will make you apologize for this, and your opponents will fear you, which is crucial later on when you will convince them you have won.
If your opponents aren't watching, crush that plastic cup noisily between your fingers. This is a universally acknowledged sign of consumption. They will be too distracted by the sound to process the golden arc of beer you just sent launching over your left shoulder.
As far as the actual playing of the game is concerned, Miss Muffin Top believes the most important weapon in your arsenal is a good serve, the only shot that your opponents really have time to consider. Like an LBD, your serve should always make you look good. Don't get too fancy. Put the ball fairly and highly in play, concentrating on placement. Serves are also an excellent moment to seize the moral high ground and call some of your own shots low. This gets your opponents thinking that if you do hit it low, you'll call it low, which is of course, total bullshit. When you sink one of their cups with a low flying rocket, they'll hesitate, waiting for your apology, which will never arrive.
Some other game time tips: Throw your paddle! It makes you look, like uber-intense. And the more time you spend inevitably cleaning up all those knocked-over beers equals more time spent on the table gathering face time. Or you know, looking like an imbecile.
Also, heavy petting is gross. There are other, inoffensive ways to establish a rapport with your partner. Dance around, "strategize" in whispers, playfully trash talk your opponents, even when you are losing miserably. Work on your celebration, avoiding, at all cost, the arm numbing high five, the bloody knuckles pound and the ass bump that sends you careening into that adjacent pile of cans.
Sometimes just making it through the game is a victory in and of itself. If your game is getting egregious, and everyone is embarrassed, just stop. Oops you lost! Miss Muffin Top generally hates advocating losing of any sort, but if you can't pick the ball up off of the ground, you probably shouldn't be playing.
Unfortunately, there is also a third outcome, after victory and forfeit and that is defeat. Sometimes you lose. And this is the part where Miss Muffin Top tells you that losing doesn't always mean losing. Simply explain to the twenty people behind you in line that you are in the midst of a three game series with your three new best friends. Or, don't explain anything and immediately re-rack the table. If you are belligerently approached by the alleged "next" team, smile, feign shock and apologize. Half-heartedly and threateningly say that if they are sooo desperate to play, you'll leave. This, at the very least, will result in you being next. While it is important to respect line etiquette, Miss Muffin Top has found that drunken sorority and fraternity members are never particularly good at keeping track of their orders. Capitalize on the collective basement stupor and insert yourself. More likely than not, no one will argue, and if someone argues they are the one causing an unnecessary and unpleasant scene. Security!
Lastly, this message: your pong skills are not a determinant of your self worth, nor the best indication of your partner's worth. One miserable or stunning game will not seal your reputation, but your attitude will. So deflate your ego, and smile (even if invisible steam is shooting from your ears). Be gracious regardless of the outcome because no one is impressed by anyone who takes pong too seriously.
Bottoms up! You know, only if you want to.Miss Muffin Top
