Lessons Learned

by Jilian Gundling | 5/28/09 10:00pm

To me, Jack Kerouac's quote from "On the Road" epitomizes Dartmouth: "The only ones for me are the mad ones."

Dear Dartmouth, you are absolutely raving insane, and that is why I love you.

As a writer for The Mirror for the last three years, I have had the privilege of talking to some of Dartmouth's most colorful characters about their infamous experiences.

I have chosen my top ten favorite quotes from The Mirror the frattiest, most inappropriate and typical Dartmouth quotes I could find and included the universal Dartmouth lessons that apply.

  1. "Once when I was blacked out, I walked to retrieve my EBAs, but got lost along the way. After wandering around for a good hour, as pieced together by my roommate, I apparently called her to tell her I was lost. I told her I was in the Butterfield parking lot, which she quickly realized was incorrect. She eventually found me in the Mass Row parking lot, with only one shoe. I never found my other shoe, nor did I get my EBAs."Lesson: There's a reason why EBAs delivers.

  2. "My smoking habit became too expensive. I was like I need a job.' I applied for a job on campus. I never heard back, so I started selling weed."Lesson: While I am in no way advocating the sale of drugs, there is no denying that Dartmouth students have a sense of irony and know how to improvise.

  3. "It's far more promiscuous than any other term I've experienced at Dartmouth. I've got a girlfriend, but my friends hook up every night they go out. In the first two weeks, guys who never got any were losing their V-cards."Lesson: Sophomore summer is an entity unto itself.

  4. "During Green Key, my friend fell off a high deck of a house. He got up, shook himself off and continued playing pong. He had no memory of falling off the deck, but later found that he had broken some ribs."Lesson: Dartmouth would be lost without pong.

  5. "One time when I was blacked out, I hooked up with an ex. Apparently, I attacked him and started biting his face."Lesson: Stay away from exes when drunk.

6."One girl came up to me and said, Hey do you want a drink? I can probably get you one.' I met her at Heorot later. It was like she was in control, subconsciously, of my mind. She put a seed in me and it grew. She just knew what she was doing."Lesson: We cougars do what we want.

  1. "I checked out his Facebook profile. His number-one interest was smoking blunts with the homies.' His number-two interest was busting caps in the whities.' His third interest included sexually assaulting someone he did not get a job at my company."Lesson: Pause next time before you Facebook-jack your friend.

  2. "You see a hot guy, you think he's attractive, you go after him. If something happens, that's great. But if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. If we have a connection and go get dinner at Food Court, well then that's great. Maybe I'll even say hi to him if I see him on the street."Lesson: We're all a little awkward.

  3. "We've had people drop-kick nuggets. Sometimes the drunk people just come up and say, Make me something.' We've had people do basically anything you can think of in this line."Lesson: As illustrated by this quote from a Foco grill worker, nothing in the real world will ever replace the comfort of mozz sticks and chicken nuggets.

  4. "He was in his boxers and his hands were taped. He seemed like he was crying and yelled, I hate Dartmouth.' He took off running down Wheelock Street."Lesson: Pranks are the perfect way to keep underclassmen in their place.

In the end, thank you to all my sources and to Dartmouth for being the catalyst for such beautiful madness. Here's to the nights of winged delirium on the arms of best friends, to the chaos of Frat Row on big weekends, the streakers, pong champions, hot hookups, dance parties and the undying commitment to hanging out. I can't tell what life outside the bubble will hold, but something tells me it will never be quite the same. To my fellow '09s, good luck out there, I love you. To the underclassmen, keep Dartmouth classy. I know you will.