When wondering whether or not the snow sculpture qualifies as one of the Dartmouth Seven, I racked my brain to identify what the true Seven actually are: BEMA, President's Lawn, Baker-Berry Stacks, steps of Dartmouth Hall, 50-yard line, the center of the Green... Uh oh, that's only six. I have a few contenders in mind for lucky number seven, but I'm pretty sure that there is no widespread agreement across campus.
In my mind, this lack of an "absolute Seven" signifies that it's not about the numbers, nor is it about sticking to specific locations. In truth, three factors make the Dartmouth Seven special -- the thrill, the challenge and the connection to Dartmouth. Fornicating on the snow sculpture absolutely fulfills all of those requirements, so why not let it count? If you're not convinced, then let's take it step by step:
First and foremost -- thrill. You're having sex on a glorified snowman in a very public space. The spotlights are shining, sound travels quite effectively at night, and it's the middle of a New Hampshire winter. Need I say more?
Chances you'll get caught? High. Thrill factor? Even higher.
Moving onto factor number two -- challenge. This column originally discussed getting it on inside the snowy faux-Moosilauke, which was more private than a one-room double in the Choates, but soaring temperatures have since demolished said replica. Now that the sculpture is going to have a slightly less spacious (read: nonexistent ) interior in which to romp, the new challenge becomes mounting not only your partner, but the sculpture itself (or else you're just having sex on the Green). This is quite the balancing act, and the combination of white snow and bright spotlights makes evading detection a major consideration.
Furthermore, think about the primary ingredient involved in the snow sculpture. The major challenge here isn't just being sly, it's avoiding frostbite in terribly unfortunate locations.
As a caveat, this should not be attempted if your BAC is too high. Hard-to-explain frostbite is funny, but passing out with your pants down in a massive mound of snow and ice can lead to serious, life-plan-altering consequences.
Finally, it is imperative that each location in the Dartmouth Seven has a tie to Dartmouth -- otherwise it would just be an arbitrary list of public spaces where one can have sex, which sounds more like exhibitionism than a Dartmouth tradition. Winter Carnival has long been one of Dartmouth's defining traditions and annual events, and the snow sculpture is the ultimate symbol of Carnival weekend.
Look to the snow sculpture as more than just an unnecessary use of manual labor and snow and get it on aprs nightfall. It'll serve as the ultimate proof to yourself -- and everyone who didn't think you could survive a Hanover winter -- that you not only made it through, but also made the absolute best of it.
Joanna Patterson is a member of The Dartmouth Staff. She doesn't know what counts toward the Dartmouth Seven, so she's trying all the options, just to be safe.
