I come not to praise the Programming Board, but to bury it. But don't worry too much, event-planning oligarchy of Dartmouth. And while I do feel that there is evidence -- ample, to say the least -- that you are out of touch with your constituents, it may not be entirely your fault.
For the impressionable '12s, Programming Board is the big shot, the Apollo Creed of the campus-event world. When each students pays their hefty student activities fee, it is assigned to the Undergraduate Finance Committee, which then funnels money to specific organizations that apply for it. This funding system, which has hundreds of thousands of dollars at its disposal, is a very powerful body. Clearly, UFC board members with specialized interests can sway allocations very easily. In fact, handsome opinion columnist Zachary Gottlieb '10 has called the entire process "inane," "overly political" and "lobby-esque."
What really sparked my fervor this week was Programming Board's "Welcome Back Lawn Party." I'm no marketing major, but looking out my window on Friday, I could easily understand which demographic was targeted. I saw "sandy candy," the equivalent of a fill-your-own Pixie Stick station. There was a "Fun Foto" booth, a stand where you could make a paper sign (a la "Danger: Jimmie's Room") and a cover band that underwhelmed with covers of Fallout Boy.
How can I use a snobby literary reference here? This was a perfect place for Nabokov's Humbert Humbert to take a blind date. How many 20-year-olds would consider this an age-appropriate event on paper? How many of them would consider it worth anything near $5,000?
Was this a self-amusing mockery of the amount of money Programming Board gets to throw around? How can we, as responsible students, idly support such blatant pork spending? Where is our PB McCain, the Senate watchdog who stops "free food" events from becoming unabashed money pits? Programming Board's UFC-allocated budget is $316,900 for the year. $5,000 was just dropped on sandy candy.
One DREAM member asked me, "But surely, Zach, didn't you see how crowded it was?" Yes, DREAM member, it was jam-packed full of people -- the entire constituency of your organization. I don't dislike children -- in fact, I'm a big fan of them (insert Megan's Law jokes here). I support community-building organizations and events. However, this was not Programming Board's intent. Their money wasn't meant for a DREAM event, but for a program that would entertain the student body. Clearly, this initiative failed as an event engineered for Dartmouth students -- 7 percent of this term's budget down the drain. And while many local kids received a saccharine dose of pucker powder and a smile, Programming Board, I am the only puckerer here.
Programming Board is entrusted with hundreds of thousands of dollars. Somehow, multi-thousand dollar mistakes like the Lawn Party are made without question. As one of 4,000 students here, I want my $1.25 back. Ultimately, one would wish there were a democratic process for PB and UFC elections, instead of a self-selecting, type-A aristocracy.
But I wax accusatory -- perhaps unfairly. Programming is not easy, and the fact that PB is self-elected shows admirable ambition to serve us. Perhaps the true culprit is the Dartmouth student -- the Joe and Jill Six-packs of campus. Maybe we don't really have defined interests that anyone could pander to successfully (besides drinking). Perhaps we're too critical, too indifferent, too disengaged to be entertained by anything but free pizza. This makes PB's successes -- like Cellofourte, Winter Carnival and free food during finals (not an exhaustive list, by any means) -- laudable efforts.
Programming Board is not simply a ship of fools, but a political body doing its best to serve us. Unfortunately and understandably, it -- like Student Assembly -- will make mistakes. What we do need to question, however, is how much money they should receive without a reasonable understanding of what effective programming is. When they do stumble, especially so blatantly, we are forced to question their judgment.
Give me $5,000, and any Dartmouth Jill or Joe can plan a successful event: $4,000 on Keystone, $1,000 on pizza.
