Scattered Subjects from a Scattered Brain

I'd like to think of myself in terms of the three "I's": insane, innovative and irrational. All three of these characteristics have become quite evident since I became a student here at Dartmouth, but it's during these winter months that these qualities shine brightest.

Before I go on, you should know that I am from Atlanta, I own two jackets, I had seen snow twice before I came to college and today's low was 8 degrees. My decision to go to school in New Hampshire is where the "insanity" kicks in. Because of my insane, potentially life-threatening decision to go to college here, I have had to develop ways to stay warm. This, my friends, is where the "innovative" comes in.

I realized last week, however, that it was unfair for me to keep all of the secrets of staying warm to myself. This is why, on this eve of the 98th annual Winter Carnival, I've put together my nine top ways to stay warm over Winter Carnival.

1. The Polar Bear Swim. Don't do it. It's dumb and you could die. Don't be dumb.

2. Go to the Hanover North Face Store. Oh, the selection they have! For a mere $200, you can probably get a very generic, soon-to-be stolen black North Face jacket and some mittens with the finger holes.

3. Steal someone's coat. This is probably the easiest way to stay warm over Winter Carnival. And don't just steal any coat, thieves and thievettes -- go shopping! With three to four parties a night to choose from, it will feel like you are on Supermarket Sweep. Not only is it easy, but you will save yourself about $100 and you might end up with some surprises in the pockets. A wallet, lip balm, cell phone, a pack of Virginia Slims, a gift certificate to Hilde's -- really, the possibilities are endless.

4. Get Picked Up. I know, it sounds drastic. This is where the "irrational" aspect of my mind kicks in. Although this is one of the few suggestions I have no first-hand experience with, I do know that Dick's House is one of the warmest buildings I have ever been in during the winter months. Here is the trick: be completely sober. When you're walking from Phi Tau back to the River and it's -1 degrees and you can't feel any of your extremities, just start tripping up, slipping on ice, cursing really loudly and generally making a fool out of yourself. Let a Safety and Security officer apprehend you and prepare yourself for a night in paradise.

5. Invest in Crutches. From about early January to mid-April, the most annoying thing happens to me. Whenever I am in a crunch for time and I have to get across campus in the cold, I break my ankle. This horrific event forces me to call Safety and Security, hobble outside with my crutches that are conveniently located in a glass case on my dresser, and wait for my ride. Over Winter Carnival, if this ankle problem suddenly starts to affect you, it might be a good to stash a pair of crutches outside of each fraternity, sorority and alternative social space. Just to be safe.

6. Carry Hot Water. For those of you with Wednesday and Thursday classes this Winter Carnival, I'm sorry. One of the times I am the coldest here at Dartmouth is the walk to and from class. On those early morning classes, before you head to your class, I suggest making a stop in Collis. Pick up two cups and fill them up with hot, scalding water. Walk right out (it's free), and march to your class. You have NO idea how that how water warms up your entire body. I know this sounds absurd, but trust me on this one. I'm a sociology major. Trust me.

7. Do Your Laundry. Similar to the hot water example, this one requires a pit stop on your way to class. I don't know about the rest of you, but when I go to take my laundry out of the dryer, I am the warmest, happiest little school boy in the world. About 30 minutes before you go out this Winter Carnival, throw your outfit in the dryer. When your clothes are done, put them immediately on and sprint to wherever you are going, before they cool off. For about two minutes, it will feel like you are wearing a heating blanket out in the Hanover tundra.

8. Green Print. If you are still reading this, it means you either have a taste for the absurd or you are constantly cold and are searching for answers. This tip is my favorite, so get ready. Unless you are a history major, it is almost impossible to use up all of your Green Print money every term. Instead, spend some of that money on warmth. Go to your neighborhood Green Print station, print about 10 pages (duplex), and you will notice how warm this freshly printed paper is. Cover your face with this paper and be on your way. You will be judged, I'm sure, but at least the tears you cry won't freeze.

9. Stay Inside. I know it's Winter Carnival. I know you want to go out and Crank that Soulja Girl in Fuel (No parents, woo). There are other options to have fun, however, and they all can be done within the confines of your own well-heated dorm. Don't leave your dorm this Winter Carnival. Order delivery food from Boloco, Big Fatty's, or Mai Tai. Watch the festivities on the Green from the Baker Tower webcam. Throw a party in the basement of your dorm (see Bissell, 2006). Literally, everything you would normally do out and about, you can do inside your dorm.

Be safe this Winter Carnival. Even if you are skeptical about my tips, keep an open mind. And if you are reading this like scripture, then you are very welcome.