As a Canadian, I have been making haphazard predictions about things Americans actually care about (like politics) and defend, which is why I predict Hillary Clinton will win your next federal election.
I'm going with the Democrats for the simplest of reasons. It's just their turn. The Republicans have been up there swingin' away at the tee for eight solid years and it just wouldn't be right in the American sense of fair play if they never have to take the field. Plus the Democrats have a dead ringer in my girl Hillary.
The greatest part about this prediction is that I know next to nothing about any of Mrs. Clinton's policies or any of the policies of the other Democratic candidates. What I do know comes exclusively from three sources: editorial cartoons, drunk Republicans and the amount of Anderson Cooper I'm forced to watch in airports while waiting for flights to board.
Everyone wants to end your war in Iraq. (I love how it's always the war in Iraq and not the war with Iraq, because, of course, Iraq as a relevant decision-making entity hasn't really existed since the end of campaign week one.) Fair enough, everyone up north wants to end our war in Afghanistan too. (We're still looking for Osama. Remember him?)
I understand that many people want healthcare to be like it is in the rest of the civilized world, but that might be too expensive. If only you had invested in the Canadian dollar three years ago instead of all those sub-prime mortgages.
I have grown to understand that many Americans aren't as smart as they think they are and other Americans want them to catch up -- clearly education needs to be a priority.
And then there's that pesky environment. You've been the world's worst polluters for years! You can't let those impertinent Chinese take that away from you just because there's a billion of them. You'd think they had some kind of manifest destiny or something, the way they're carrying on.
But all the candidates already know about all the boring stuff that will need their attention.
My reason for picking Hillary in the primaries is far more superficial and reliable. She is the only real celebrity in the whole pack. She's a woman whose husband cheated on her, and after it was dragged out in front of the entire nation, she stayed with the guy. Plus, she's a woman, and I feel like the U.S. is one of the last great Western democracies that has never had one in charge. You don't want to miss the boat on that one like you did on the metric system.
Even Canada had a woman Prime Minister for a few months, and it did us a wonder of good.
I don't know how convinced you are, but if the answer is "somewhat," then I'm really going to have you after this last bit: she is a Clinton.
If she wins there will have been nothing but Clintons and Bushes (Bill and the Bushes if you will) in the White House for 24 years of American history, possibly for 28 since I'm calling the shots.
I'm not saying you would have President Putin on your hands, but come on, you know it's not good to have the same people on top for too long. But give America a presidential dynasty and soon everyone will be swooning. I'm not going to say the words "queen complex." I just won't go there.
Our prime ministers are short, pale, pudgy white dudes. The closest thing we've ever had to a celebrity president was Pierre Trudeau, and he was only famous because his wife was a hot hippie who may or may not have slept around. The idea that Brian Mulroney (Bill Clinton's Canadian contemporary) could have possibly gotten a blow job in the rectangular office is so preposterous that I've never even heard it suggested. Before now.
But Americans love celebrity presidents. You once elected a movie star for God's sake, and this year's movie is about a woman who works behind the scenes for her husband who becomes president. Years later, she leverages legitimate marital issues for his assistance in returning the favor. David Palmer is also in the running. Who says life can't imitate art?
