After just recently acquiring the ability to read and write, I was finally able to comprehend David Glovsky's op-ed in Monday's paper ("Columnists With Nothing to Say," April 2). His point, which he concisely stated here but nonetheless took 700 words to clarify, was this: "I am sick of opinion columns and columnists with nothing to say and plenty of space given to them to say it," to which he amended, "After all, freshmen with just three weeks on the mean streets of Hanover know barely enough about the College to find their classes."
I object to this crass and undeniably pompous accusation! I know -- I have no body hair yet and still have some trouble putting on a pair of pants without help. Sometimes I blow bubbles with straws in my chocolate milk and my mom gets mad and gives me time outs. And although I sometimes urinate in my own pants during class and eat ants off the playground slide, I've decided to put down my pacifier and object to Mr. Glovsky's recent article.
Ever since the Israelis in Darfur went to war with Lebanon and started to kill people in New Orleans under the direction of Iran's President Ahmadinejad Katrina, we freshmen have been there to tell the world our take on it all. You called us uninformed. You say we are not experts in our field? The examples of brilliant freshman work are myriad and too copious to ignore, even to someone who thinks he defecates Starbursts and potpourri.
Shaun Stewart's article ("How to Go Potty," Oct. 5) taught us all a valuable lesson about ourselves, while Claire Murray's brilliant detective work ("Eating Boogers: A Hidden Health Risk?" Sept. 30) enlightened all of her readers. And we mustn't forget Jacob Baron's searing diatribe against discrimination ("Which one of these is not like the other?" Nov. 15), which led to several follow-ups in his support by several College deans.
And frankly all I can say in response to your accusation against our wasting valuable space on the opinion page is that it is simply a spurious claim!
You call us lackadaisical filibusters, Mr. Glovsky? You said, "one cannot expect freshmen to understand the inner workings of the College." I'm sure very few people are interested in the dark inner workings of Dartmouth...but go ahead, feel free to delve! Become a valiant proctologist in a colonoscopic crusade for ultimate truth. We do not write from the brain. We write from the gut. And yeah, I stole that phrase from Steven Colbert. And guess what? I'm not going to even credit him, because I'm a pirating, plagiarizing, black-toothed, bullish, malicious, homophobic, racist, child-molesting, murderous, womanizing freshman. Like all of us are to you. Hey Dave, where da '08 women at?
Through your accusations, Mr. Glovksy, you have done the opinion section a great disservice. As demonstrated throughout this year alone, often the most important opinion pieces have been those written by freshmen for the public discussion they sparked. Just ask Nathan Bruschi. Even if you consider our articles "uninformed" or nave, it can be our very innocence that offers insight. While you may have become accustomed, nay, callous to Dartmouth culture, freshmen reactions to their recent immersion lend constructive insights and new voices to the opinion section.
I seriously doubt that the opinion section would be as fun to read if nothing objectionable fomented scandal. If the opinion section had nothing but logical solutions through rational arguments, Bored At Baker would lose its fecund fertilizer. And dammit, Mr. Glovsky, isn't it fun to read an article that's completely wrong sometimes? You and your minions, as you said, neglect to even begin to read our articles because of a lack of credibility. "Credible" is a construct of your perception of the world. Yeah, I took Psych 1 winter term and a Freshman seminar. I know how you think now. In fact, I'm pretty positive I know everything. Kidding, kidding, that would only be true if my last name rhymed with, oh, I don't know, "Blovsky."
And although two years younger than you, Ultimate Super Knowledgeable World Expert Glovsky, even we wee freshmen have nearly two decades under our belts, which merits us a right to have opinions.
