Something new showed up on our campus last week, other than prospies "for the plundering" (as I overheard it at Palaeopitus).
No, it wasn't the supple skin and innocent giggles of prospective '11's that excited my gentlemanly interest, but the short skirt of an even more elusive mistress: our distant neighbor, the sun.
Yes, it was a blast to stand in front of the room before my classes and tell the prospies that I was the professor, and shout at them for not having the registrar's permission to be in my class, and that no, their tears wouldn't melt my adamantine professorial heart. But I would take a week of sunny springtime over an army of the naive erring '11's that makes even being a '10 cool in comparison. (Hey, look dude, younger girls! We could totally take them home 'cause they haven't learned how to hold their liquor yet!)
Behold the majestic Sigma Alpha Epsilon brothers in their South African estate owners' white linens and the Venusian Kappas in their vibrant spring dresses. I don't know about McNutt's, but I think that everyone's Inuksuk has grown a little after seeing these new springtime fashions.
Everyone is reveling in the glowing warmth, that fetal infrared embrace, voraciously sucking on the generous nipples of Helios.
People are going outside and leaving their Seasonal Affective Disorder medicine behind. With millions of lumens streaming through them (skin cancer be damned!), everyone has a little bounce in their step. The Green is teeming with whiffle balls and laptops, tittering teens and always that one shirtless "bro" who doesn't need to be. Look at those abs: "Yeah, I work out about 15 times a week. Wanna play pong tonight? I can even pour the beer down my abs into your cups, in case you didn't notice how ripped I am."
However unjustified his shirtlessness may have been, our bro's celebratory display is noble in intention. Spring is a time for revelry, one for the appreciation of ascension from the dank depths of Hanover's frigid winter womb. Isn't it simply the greatest feeling to leave a jacket at home, run outside, and toss a Frisbee? Finally, we can look like those kids on the brochures that lured us: beautiful and happy. The campus has truly gone under a transformation unlike any other.
And this is why sun is the new beer for Dartmouth. It's free, plentiful, legal (right?), and very easy to enjoy it in excess. It's yellow, it makes you want to get up and dance, and the only people who don't like it live in East Wheelock.
Like beer, spring has made people happier. Not only do you get a literal manifestation of the warmth of alcohol's sweet kiss, but Vitamin D compels people to be friendly. Instead of monosyllabic grunting during the winter months, people are now willing to have conversations outdoors. It's as if Winter term were 17 years long, and all of the undergraduates are cicadas. Cicadas who think of poor similes.
Like beer, spring has made people seem more attractive. The tans are transforming pallid Ivy League phantoms with beer-borne love handles into lean and glowing Grecian athletes. Everyone looks better in summer clothing ("Winterizing was, like, so hard!"). I was finally even able to break out my booty-huggin' hot pants, which, I'll let you know, scored me a couple of my own pong dates. And a COS hearing.
Like beer, spring has increased the desire to "mash moisties" (overheard at Amarna). Just look at Hayley Kennedy's "noparentswoo." comic from Tuesday, which artfully depicts a couple "sucking face." There's a noticeable sexuality in the air, which explains the return of birds and bees to campus. With tans and athleticism come an animal attraction that few can ignore. Like one of my best friends said, "I wish I didn't have a nagging girlfriend in Santa Barbara, because I'm going crazy right now seeing all these beautiful girls in skirts."
And for those conservative family-values readers who consider my writing that of a sex-o-centric hedonist, Phil Salinger loves getting angry e-mails. That's "pls@dartmouth.edu" for you non-blitzers.
Like beer, spring has made me gain weight and become physically abusive to friends and loved ones.
Totally kidders lol jk omg!
