"Nationals."
No, the word's got nothing to do with a hilariously terrible national baseball team from D.C., or how far I got each year in the Matzah Eating Championships until my paralyzing peristalsis injury during my first kiss.
In a glorious display of grace, perseverance, and incredible skill, our Dartmouth figure skating team took the NATIONAL title. But the lack of support for our team was shocking.
Millions of Americans went to see "Blades of Glory" - yet few Dartmouth students went to see it in real life at Thompson. And you missed out on some sweet action. I was there, and taking after my personal news hero, field reporter Kevin Pellecchia, I became a journalist embedded on the icy scene.
After a couple of minutes investigating the condiments available to adorn my delicious steamed hot dog (don't worry Rabbi, it was 100 percent beef) from concessions, I took to the ice. With my Dartmouth #1 foam finger on my hand and a Jason goalie mask spray-painted green atop my head, I sat down right in front of the glass. While I do watch Olympic figure skating on television, I had never realized how intense it could be up close.
When the University of Delaware's Stephanie Slopchick took the ice for the senior long program, I was ready to cheer for my team. Ignoring the Safety and Security officer eyeing me skeptically atop the penalty box, I started to pound on the glass. The announcer spoke in a booming baritone into the PA: "Stephanie Slopchick of University of Delaware," to which I amended, "...SUCKS!" Starting with a double axel, in which she obviously failed to show confidence in her landing, I yelled to her that her Facebook profile said that her favorite movie was "Battlefield Earth." And honestly, her attempt at a camel would make any 18th century Saharan trader laugh with pity. Take that, UDel tyros!
Yet with Dartmouth as a perennial favorite, the judges were obviously biased against us. Slopchick got an average score of 8.9. I was infuriated: "Get off your knees, judges, you're blowing the game!" and I was lucky enough to start a crowd cheer of "Ass-hole, Ass-hole."
And when my favorite, Sarah Alexander '10, was not given a perfect score on her short program, I had had enough: "Why don't you bend over and use your good eye, judges?"
But as I was escorted out of the arena, I noticed that the stands were mostly empty. And it broke my heart.
And while I actually did none of this except watch some great displays of athleticism, the lesson is what's important.
Come on Dartmouth. Give a rouse! Without support for our College teams, we lose a great opportunity at campus solidarity. Go to sports games and cheer on the teams, instead of giving the sports section a furtive glance when you're hung over on Monday morning.
Unfortunately, due to a hereditary/cultural lack of coordination, people like me are not meant for the ice. After 10 minutes on "the slippery," as my 19th century Cockney friends and I call it, I've usually fallen about ten times. If my body was a pledge at Psi U, my IM ice hockey performance was as awkward as the elephant walk or Alaskan pipeline.
And realizing how hard it is to skate myself, I came to the revelation that these girls (and that dude, too) are incredibly gifted. Amazing, in fact. And after hearing how early they wake up to practice, and how much they practice, and how dedicated these fine ladies and gentleman are, I was truly impressed.
Unfortunately, the stands were less full than I am after eating one of the new Nicole Richie Meals at T.G.I. Friday's. (I still think she could lose some baby fat, but that's just because I'm a bone man.)
I think that the Dartmouth campus should acknowledge these incredible athletes (and there is no doubt that they're athletic) for their efforts. They deserve more than a smattering of applause for performing on ice what most people can't do on dry land. It wasn't the petty Pong Masters Championships - this was a demonstration of the best skating on a collegiate level in the nation.
I was duly impressed by our NATIONAL CHAMPIONS, and if you see a figure skater on campus, congratulate him or her. They're a team that actually deserves to rage tonight.
