Wednesday's police blotter, complied by Dane Schlossberg '07, described several incidents of lawlessness that went down in Hanover this Homecoming. Unfortunately, Detective Schlossberg had to work within a word limit and was therefore forced to exclude a handful of reportable events from his blotter. Anxious to avoid the task of inventing original material this week, I volunteered to run the Po-Blot overflow in my column.
Oct. 13, 8:00 p.m.
At sunset, witches, werewolves and vampires descended upon the Dartmouth campus to celebrate the unluckiest Friday of the year with a little neck-sucking, freshman-chewing fun. Safety and Security prepared to protect the student body by sharpening their garlic-strung flashlight crosses and staking out at the Bema. Fortunately, New England's finest demons were all frightened away by the enormous pile of wooden stakes flaming in the middle of the Green. S&S got a break and the freshmen were safe to run in a ring around that rosy inferno until it was time to hit the frats. The freshmen then flocked down the street to get their necks sucked by the enormous pile of steaks at lucky TDX.
Oct. 13, 11:59 p.m.
Members of a fraternity on Webster Avenue contacted Safety and Security to report the burglary of an unspecified item during their Early '80s Party. S&S arrived on the scene and were directed to go take a peek in another house across the row that wasn't having a dance party because they're on probation thanks to the worst class ever. S&S crossed the street, karate-chopped the door down, took a peek, and discovered three fraternity members chowing down their sorrows on the 15 missing Sig Nu party packs. They were politely asked to return the packs, but the thieves refused to do so, citing the belief that, as guests of the party, they had been entitled to the pizza. When asked, the frat dudes admitted that they probably had not spent enough time at the party to deserve 15 packs. This raised an important moral dilemma that we should all consider: How long must one stand on the physical plant of Sigma Nu to qualify as a "guest" and therefore be entitled to some pizza? Is it legal to just run in, grab a few boxes and then roll out to sweetafrat? Does each guest have a pizza/breadstick allowance,or is unlimited indulgence permissible? S&S is still investigating these issues.
Oct. 14, 2:00 p.m.
Approximately 1,073 members of the class of 2010 failed to rush Memorial Field during halftime of the Holy Cross football game. Hanover Police are investigating the identities of these lame-o students, who may face charges of being "totally lame." Those heroic '10s who braved the dash have been cooperating with a crew of law-upholders to sue The Dartmouth Review for failing to follow through on their annual tradition of bailing field-rushers out of jail. When asked to comment about this allegation, a Review representative explained that they had blown their allowances on that pleasant anti-immigration airplane stunt last spring and that they just can't ask their daddies for more money until the online gambling prohibition is lifted. Determined to follow through on their promise to the field rushees, The Review is looking into raising funds by hosting its first annual "Lest-The-Olde-Traditions-Fail Bake Sale."
Oct. 14, 4:15 p.m.
A guest of TDX allegedly stole Pig-Roast Dave's bottle of dandelion wine from a cooler under that grill he was standing on. (At least, that's what we think he said ... it might have been Boone's Farm Nectar.) Anyway, Safety and Security was summoned to investigate the incident and accidentally stumbled upon an unregistered pig, which they promptly attempted to confiscate.
This ignited a Lord of the Flies-esque riot at Theta Delta Chi. Hundreds of boys -- their faces smeared with BBQ sauce -- launched biscuits and troughs of acorn squash at horrified officers as they tried to carry Piggy away from the party. An officer was pelted in the face with a potato, which broke one of the lenses of his glasses. TDX was issued a $50 fine for their repair. We still don't know where that dandelion wine went.
Oct. 15, 1:20 a.m.
A Safety and Security officer got picked up by an '07 female, who insisted that she thought his handcuffs were totally hot. The very baffled, very dreamy S&S officer had no choice but to pick up the woman and put her down in one of those beds at Dick's House ... And that's how I invented the Dartmouth 8.
Oct. 16, 11:27 p.m.
Safety and Security was forced to request backup from Advanced Transit Bus service after Student Assembly sent a really freaky blitz to the entire Dartmouth community on Monday night. This blitz urged all students to get free rides home by calling S&S and claiming to "not feel safe" walking all the way back to their dorms in the freezing rain.
Oct. 18, 8:04 a.m.
Free cab ride day came to an end when Student Assembly sent out another blitz explaining that they were wrong about that whole "there's a nut-ball roaming campus" thing. SA apologized for taking away our taxi service and promised to make it up to us by giving us more free bikes -- demonstrating to all of us that there is actually a handful of nut-balls roaming campus.
- Complied by Alice Mathias, c/o the mixed-up files of Police Chief Gick Niaccone.
