A few weeks ago, after having solved all the major political issues, I turned to the problems of life and gave an analysis of the merits of the night-time shower, the optimal eating paradigm and the excessive use of the word "random." This week, I turn to more serious philosophical dilemmas and vexing existential problems: midterms, greetings, computers and thank yous.
As week four of the term moves in, Dartmouth students are already swamped with midterm papers, tests, exams and the like. Of course, here at Dartmouth, the word "midterm" describes any test that does not occur in the first or last week of the term. That is not okay. During the second week of this term, I found myself listening to someone tell me about a "midterm" quiz that was coming up -- were they kidding? Sometimes you can just have a test, a plain, normal, regular test.
Midterms come in week five, the middle of the term. And while one could rationally refer to an assignment on the fourth or sixth week as a midterm, I do not know that people can be trusted after the sickening display of verbal misappropriation that we have seen with the idiom so far. That is not the proper way.
Another subject that must be discussed is that of greetings. Between the mutual nods and smiles and full stops for conversation, there are the constant "Hey, how's it going?" and "Hi, how are you?" encounters. I am sure I do not have to tell you just how aggravating these phrases are because being the recipient of one of them is immeasurably awkward. There is not enough time to answer properly: by the time you have registered the question, they are already two steps behind you, and all you have managed was a pathetic "good," without showing the proper reciprocative courtesy of inquiring about them.
Unless of course you execute "the turn," which, with or without the backwards walk, is ungainly, ineffective and downright dangerous. The best response that I have found is to turn the tables with a pithy, well-placed "fine, you?" Whether or not you want to run away quickly from them before they have the time to answer is a judgment call. This move, you should know, fully imbues them with all of the awkwardness they previously gave to you -- the icing on the cake. Bottom line: setting people up for awkwardness is not the proper way.
Another phenomenon that needs to be discussed is the use of computers during class. Computers are valuable learning aids, no doubt, but it seems as though there is always that one obsessive typer. You know this person. The one who pounds continuously on their keys for the whole duration of the class, typing verbatim every single remark the teacher makes. If the typing were normal that would be one thing, but it always seems as though this person's keys have been genetically engineered to be as loud as possible. I wonder whether they have they found a way to link their keys' sounds to their speakers or whether they have injected their keys with steroids. But what I really want to know is why they always sit directly behind me, because that is not the proper way.
The final issue that I want to discuss arose when I was leaving my dorm the other day. I was two steps past the wide-open door that I had just come out of when I spied a man pushing a cart of laundry toward the door. I froze for a second, my path impeded by this cart, when all of a sudden I heard the words "thank you," whereupon I sprang back to consciousness and stepped back to grab the door before it closed shut.
The man and his cart went on their way into the building and I stood outside thinking about what had just happened. I naturally felt used in the worst way, dirty and defiled. By thanking me for an action I had not yet committed, this man essentially stripped me of my free will and forced me into a favor. I felt violated: I had just been hit with a preemptive thank you. That is not the proper way.
