Last week I tackled some minor political issues that have been in the news lately. But after finding a solution to global warming, solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and creating a universal healthcare plan that would cover twice the population and allow for a 30 percent tax cut, I turned to some deep philosophical problems of our time: shower time, food consumption order and word choice.
When I came to Dartmouth in the fall I thought sharing a bathroom was going to be bad. Fifteen people, two stalls -- how could I ever get a shower at peak times? But as intelligent as the students may be here at Dartmouth, most people do not shower the proper way. While the night shower has its few devoted adherents, the majority of the population seems to have been suckered into the inferior morning shower.
Now, the benefits to the nighttime shower are manifold. Foremost among them is that nighttime showering provides the showerer with the maximum amount of clean hours -- about six to eight more than morning cleansing. It relaxes you before you go to bed and allows you to retire clean at night and wake up clean in the morning. It allows for many more precious minutes of sleep in the morning. If you shower in the morning, you are clean for an average total of 20 minutes, because the second you start walking around and perspiring and touching things and people and eating and doing your daily routine, you are dirty again.
Despite the fact that all rational considerations point directly towards the nighttime shower, many do not assume the logical routine, voicing a number of nonsensical objections. A recent debate with a floormate on this topic revealed some of the primary problems.
"But I get hot and sweaty during the night." People with this concern obviously need a lesson in cover-management or must be told not to heat their room like a sauna.
"But it wakes me up in the morning." A warm shower does not wake you up. It puts you to sleep. Cold water splashed on your face wakes you up.
"But I want to shower before I interact with people." If you shower at night and sleep in your clean bed, you will still be clean in the morning.
And yet, even when these misconceptions are exposed to people for what they really are -- pro-morning shower propaganda -- people fail to listen to rational argument: The nighttime shower is the proper way.
Eating with a friend last week gave me tremendous insight into another widespread problem on campus: the order in which people eat their food. I watched my friend slowly eat a cold salad while what was formerly a piping hot plate of sweet and sour chicken and rice turned into a plate of room temperature mush. It stands to reason that consumers should optimize their fare by eating each item at its ideal temperature level. So stuck to convention was my friend that he would not even admit the irrationality of his consumption choices. If you have an apple and a bowl of soup, eat the soup first. If you have a plate of pasta and a warm cookie, eat the cookie first. Eating the particular food that is at its peak temperature enhances the overall eating experience and is just the proper way.
The final problem that I must discuss is the use of the word "random." I had hoped that the recent piece on the excessive use of the word "awkward" would prompt people to examine their overall diction, but apparently this was not the case. If you go to a few different fraternities in a night, you were not at "some random frats." Similarly, the people you hang out with every night are not "random people," and neither is a Food Court dish, a midterm or paper "random." While the overuse of the word "random" is far more pervasive than "awkward," its failure to initiate a Facebook.com group has caused it to be overlooked.
Put in the extra effort and find an appropriate adjective instead of this infuriating substitute. It is just the proper way.
