Back in the day, Old Dartmouth was badass. Winter Carnival was a helmet-free weekend of ski jumps, keg jumps and jumps out of frat windows. Booze ruled and rules drooled in those golden days. Alas, we now find ourselves in a (nearly) defenestrator-free age of slush, wristbands and consequences. In the spirit of the misbehaving weather, I propose that for one weekend out of the entire year, we ditch the regulations and re-embrace our heritage of ridiculousness. In case Hanover continues to act like Honolulu, I thought I'd suggest a few "harder" alternatives to the events scheduled to go down this weekend. (GO!)
Down-Hall Ski Races: "O-M-G, there's, like, no snow on the ski-way ...." Did you know that our forefathers used to chain logs to their feet and launch themselves down the stairs of their dormitories?!? Hell-o. Down-hall skiing is a "who the f*ck needs snow" activity that everyone can get into. Each dorm forms a team and selects a stairway to be their mountain. Everyone then does a dorm-circuit in which participants ski down the various staircases, and at the end, the team with the most broken bones wins. (Yes, teeth are bones.) Rules: Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" should be blasting in the background the whole time, and the skiers must be blindfolded -- with Sabertooth Tiger pelts soaked in ether. (No? Fine, just sprinkled with blood.)
Human Dog-Surfing Races: Human Dog-Sled Redux. This activity is X-treme, and requires the acquisition of real live dogs -- preferably the vicious kind. The race will go on between two teams stationed on either side of the Connecticut River. In this event, a pair of fierce canines will run along the shore pulling a human surfboarder through a floating obstacle course. Think "Tubestock" but metal. (I'd like to hire some professors to hang out on the obstacles and heckle/throw things at the racers as they haul by. Blitz "malice" to volunteer.) At the finish line, each racer will de-surfboard, deep-sea dive, catch a fish with their bare hands, somersault out of the water, do a kick-flip, bow and then grill their fish with a fire they ignite by holding a magnifying glass to the scorching hot sun. They will then hand their fish over to the judges for a taste test, and whoever cooks up the most delicious bass wins. (No helmets allowed!)
Mud-Sledding: In order for this event to work, we have to tear up the golf course and spray it with H-2-the-izz-O. I guess that means borrowing the Zamboni from Thompson Arena, (I'm willing to drive, don't worry about it.) Once the construction of the mud mound is complete, everyone gets to take turns shoving one another down the hill. At the end, the person with the most creative sled wins the tournament. Advice: Trays from the Hop? Not creative. Trays from the Pavillion? You're getting there.
The Polar Bare Swim: The classic dunk in icy Occum Pond, but no clothes allowed. Face it: it's just not that arctic right now. We need to come up with a way to preserve the "hardcore" spirit of this time-honored event. (I'd also like to point out that those polar bears don't wear wet suits when they swim in Occum -- this is something we should have considered in years past.)
The Panda Bare Swim: The Polar Bare Swim for cheaters. (Eucalyptus leaves allowed.)
The Carnivore Classic: The Carni Classic 3km Ski Race held at the golf course every year is quite the workout. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be feasting on meat. Participants in the Carnivore Classic will strap on those roller-skis that the Nordic ski team always practices with (in the not-so-Nordic months up here). Upon applying said units to feet, all are invited to roller-ski across Collis Commonground while sampling the finest selection of "carni" that Collis has to offer, including chicken, beef, beef jerky, teriyaki beef jerky, and bald eagle kebabs. Yes, they're endangered, but remember: We're breaking rules this weekend. (No tofu allowed.) Costumes encouraged. Sponsored by Programming Board.
About the Weather: We will not be defeated by this bogus snowlessness. We just need to make a few last-minute adjustments to this winter's shtick. If this melt-itude persists, I propose that we change the Winter Carnival theme to "The Wizard of O-zone," declare that the snow sculpture this year is a giant Wicked Witch of the West and raise our Keystones to the triumph of good over evil as we watch her slowly melt all weekend. That theme's been done? What about "Who-Ya-Gonna-Call? Ghost-bust-al Warming!" Hello, Ghost Busters? The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man just invaded Hanover and, uh, dropped one off on the green. We were wondering if you guys, you know ... take care of that? I wasn't sure who to call. Not your department? Okay, I guess we can always just say it's our snow sculpture.
For Serious: Be safe, have fun, thank the very admirable snow sculpture constructors and everyone else working to make this weekend great and finally, enjoy whatever weather we've got. It's still the same old Winter Carnival -- Dartmouth's just a little greener.
