The Draft Board

| 11/15/04 6:00am

Round 1

  1. Napoleon Bonaparte, PG (Mark)

Mark: This feisty little Frenchman was clearly the best point guard in the draft, adding a certain legitimacy to the phrase "floor general." What he lacks in height he more than makes up for in aggressiveness and tactical aptitude.

Fred: Really not sure how this selection works. Sure Napoleon is short and I guess he is pretty crafty, considering he took over a good chunk of the world, but I have never seen him not on horseback and it's rumored his right arm isn't all that useful. A point guard who can only go one direction is, well, pretty terrible.

Adam: Napoleon was like four feet tall. And I'm pretty sure he had a bum hand (that's why he always had one hand in his coat). This is the worst number one pick since Fred chose a Von Dutch carry-all in our "Favorite Accessories" draft.

  1. Abraham Lincoln, PF (Adam)

Adam: First of all, A-Linc is 6'4." Second of all, he's the best pre-Civil War power forward ever to come out of Kentucky.

Mark: I found out that the average height during Honest Abe's day was 5'6," putting him 10 inches above the normal man. So I took a straw poll of the people in the Official Drafting Headquarters -- Theta Delta Chi fraternity -- and noted that the guys there averaged about 6'5" in height (6'7" if you don't factor in Daley), and I think that's a pretty accurate representation of the world's male population as a whole. In today's world Abe would be a whopping 7'3," making him a pretty imposing inside force.

  1. George W. Bush, PG (Fred)

Fred: The point guard's job is to run the offense, lead the team and keep the opponent on his toes. My point guard is the most powerful man in the world, his strategy is immaculate, his consensus-building is unreal and his deception is better than average. If he can fool an entire country into thinking Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, imagine the ball fakes this guy will make.

Adam: Short + Cheerleader in Prep School = first round draft pick and your team's starting point guard? Wow. I hope not.

Mark: An interesting pick coming from a Massachusetts liberal. At least Fred had the smarts to leave the sinking ship that is the Democratic Party to jump on the W bandwagon. Four more years!

Round 2

  1. Gerald Ford, PF (Fred)

Mark: I have nothing to say about Ford, so I'll relate an interesting exchange that just occurred. I noted that I was considering taking Betsy Williamson '05 for my team, since besides being a Dartmouth campus celebrity, she is an excellent athlete and a fierce competitor. After I articulated this position, Fred said, "She would be a liability all over the court. If you take her, my team will definitely be better than yours." An intriguing comment.

Fred: This pick is all about appeasing number one. Sure, he is a little short, but he is an athletic guy (Ford played football at Michigan) and would be a more than serviceable power forward. The logic behind this pick lies in the posse. Basketball is all about chemistry and the fact that Ford brings a posse that Bush so desires makes him an ideal choice. In fact, more than a few members of W's administration were also present in Ford's.

Adam: "One of the biggest presidents ever," according to Fred. Well, actually, no. Not if you judge by height, anyway. Fred needs to hire new scouts.

  1. Martin Luther King Jr., SF (Adam)

Adam: If MLK were a basketball player, I'm sure he would have invented the "two-hand dunk followed by a scream at the opposing team's bench and then a finger over the lips to silence the hostile crowd." Also, he's black.

Mark: Fred Klempner once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

  1. Teddy Roosevelt, PF (Mark)

Adam: Once again, a short president is drafted. I really don't understand the strategy being employed by both Mark and Fred. Did I miss a memo? Are we playing wheelchair basketball? If so, why is FDR still on the board?

Mark: Clearly the best power forward on the board. And here's a fun fact: all three of the power forwards taken thus far were targets of assassination attempts.

Round 3

  1. Shaka Zulu, C (Mark)

Mark: For those of you not familiar with African history, Shaka was a tremendously successful and fierce military commander, who reportedly had an unstoppable sky-hook and was a solid post defender.

Fred: God, I love this pick. This is almost as good as Manute Bol. This man may be tall, but he can hardly stand up in a strong breeze. He's got pretty good moves, but his complete and utter lack of strength means his presence in the lane will be about as intimidating as Manute Bol's.

Adam: Found this nugget on the Internet: "Shaka grew up fatherless among people who despised his mother and him. He was made the butt of every cruel joke and ridiculed about his body." So the question is, did he grow up to be angry AND big? Or just angry? Definitely something that somebody should look up.

  1. Jesus Christ, PG (Adam)

Mark: While the Bible is surprisingly sparse in term of descriptions of his jump shot and ball-handling skills, I'm going to go out on a limb and put him up there with Dolph Schayes as one of the best Jewish basketball players ever.

Adam: This guy seemed to be a pretty good leader (imperative for a PG) and Ray Allen was named Jesus in "He Got Game," which I watched with my grandparents over the course of one of the worst afternoons of my life.

  1. Clarence Thomas, SF (Fred)

Fred: NBA players get lots of girls. Thomas got lots of girls before he was on the Supreme Court.

Mark: I once saw Fred Klempner scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.

Round 4

  1. Margaret Sanger, SG (Fred)

Mark: Once or twice in every draft, Fred picks someone whose name no one else in the room even recognizes, which is never a good sign for the success of a pick.

Fred: You have to understand that sports are entertainment. No one actually liked what happened between P.J. Carlesimo and Latrell Sprewell, or the melee where van Gundy ended up wrapped around someone's ankles, but we all watched both incidents about 20 times on SportsCenter because they are simply funny. Can you imagine Sanger vs. Thomas and Bush (which is actually something you may get to see in the next four years)? For those of you who don't know, Sanger crusaded to get birth control legalized in the first third of the 20th century.

Adam: Fred is extraordinary if you'd ever get to know him. Fred is just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho super goddess. (Name that tune. Anybody? "I Am Extraordinary" by Liz Phair? No? Weren't watching ESPN during last year's NCAA women's basketball tournament?)

  1. Osama bin Laden, C (Adam)

Adam: Cue the Chicago Bulls music. "At 6'5," hailing from We're Not Really Sure Right Now, The Afghanistan Big Man, O-SA-maaaaaa bin LAAAAAAden." An unbelievable combination of size and elusiveness.

Fred: See Shaka Zulu for physical overview. This man used to be a rich kid, he probably hasn't been eating too well in those caves and the sunlight would certainly blind the fugitive. Two suspect centers drafted in a row.

  1. Attila the Hun, SF (Mark)

Mark: As an Indiana Pacers fan, I wanted to choose a small forward in the model of "Crazy" Ron Artest. I feel Attilla the Hun can provide the same level of tenacious defense and intimidation as Crazy Ron.

Adam: Sure, Attila The Thrilla has potential, but can they teach him to receive a pass in the low post without deflating the ball and eating it?

Round 5

  1. George Washington, SG (Mark)

Mark: Originally I wanted to pick a member of the Dartmouth women's tennis team for my two-guard, but some people inexplicably do not yet consider them legitimate historical figures, which baffles me. So, I was forced to settle for one of the innumerable cool Virginians in history.

Adam: My center just killed Fred's point guard. Big setback for Team Fred.

  1. Malcolm X, SG (Adam)

Adam: Malcolm X is the X-factor in this draft, just like Xavier McDaniel was the X-factor for several mediocre Celtics teams. Also, he is permanently on fire from three-point land.

Fred: I think which Malcolm X was chosen with this pick matters. If you pick the fiery Nation of Islam disciple you might have a great shooting guard; the paranoid, pacifist of his later years I doubt would be able to drive the lane, not to mention the turnstile defense he would play. I will not claim that Sanger could take him, but she could certainly defend him.

Mark: Fred once ate the Bible while water skiing.

  1. Kofi Annan, C (Fred)

Adam: Fred's lineup: two undersized presidents two go along with a couple of nerdy black guys. That's a big load for Margaret Sanger to carry. It's not like she's Sue Bird. Fred's team looks like the 2004-2005 Lakers where as my team looks like the Lakers dynasty of the early 2000's. Are my players going to hang out with each other after the game? Probably not. Do I care? Not as long as we're winning.

Fred: Drafted because ass-kickings really aren't fair, hopefully Kofi will stick up for Margaret and make it an even fight. As for his match-up with the other centers? Osama is too distracted by the bright lights and abundant food, not to mention the abundance of exposed female ankles, and I'll take my chances with Annan on Zulu.

Mark: When Fred's not showing off his wood-plated laptop or trying impress girls by whipping out his computer memory wand, he's working on a history thesis, making the fact that he thinks Kofi Annan is a superior pick to Shaka Zulu -- one of the most venerated military figures in history -- even more unbelievable.

The writers of The Draft Board solicited the opinions of our beautiful and talented female correspondents on their all-time favorite historical figures.

Polly Spot: Genghis Khan. Powerful, fearless, skilled on a horse, and incessantly ticked off are just four of Genghis' outstanding qualities. And I haven't even considered the fact that Genghis would also not appreciate anything Fred has said in this article. Need I say more?

Kerry Snow '07: Martha Stewart, just hear me out. We might not consider her a historical figure now, but fifty years from now, schoolchildren and Dartmouth students alike will be reading about her incredible life. She had to overcome the adversity of being born in New Jersey, became a model for some time, taught women to be the best-domesticated beings possible, and struggled to build a multi-million dollar empire. Plus, after her stint in prison for felony charges, presidential requirements were amended and she became the first woman, and greatest, president of the United States.

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