The Dartmouth: In what ways does your life parallel the lives of the characters on "The OC?"
Abiel Acosta: Wow, this is pretty hard. I feel as if my life parallels a few of the characters. At first, I'd say Luke because I like older women. I live by the famous lyrics "Women are like dog poo, hear me through, don't interrupt. It's that the older they are, the easier they are to pick up." Like Luke, I once slept with my friend's mom, except my friend was a dude, not an ex-girlfriend like on The OC. I met Eric McDonald's mom during sophomore summer family weekend in a frat basement. She came up to me when I was waiting on table and she introduced herself as Mrs. Robinson. I let the mojo take it from there.
I'd also say Marissa since I like the sauce and people think I'm sometimes crazy. I don't care what they say, Mr. Wiggles does exist ... seriously.
The D: You have been hailed by many music aficionados as "one of the most talented freestyle rappers since Biz Markie, except less talented." How would you characterize your rapping prowess?
AA: My freestyle flow is fresh prince of pimpness dabbled with So. Cal. Spanglish which I like to call Abe-onics. Just call me the Notorious A.B.E.
The D: In your opinion, what qualities does it take to become a successful pong player?
AA: Not having a bad partner. I usually avoid David Hoftiezer '04 and Julian Saltman '04 like the plague, unless I'm playing against them. They are hands down the worst players the sport of pong has ever seen. If pong were a varsity sport, they wouldn't even make the woman's freshmen team.
I also think intimidation is a big factor in winning pong. When I'm winning a game, I start laughing and scoffing at the other team for trying to be at my level of varsity pong. If I'm getting my ass kicked, I tend to strip down and let all of my manliness hang out. The other team usually starts missing the table and giving me easy serves so I can come back and kick their ass. I think that they either can't handle so much man all at one time or they are utterly repulsed. Whatever the case may be, I'll make the other team tap out.
The D: Discuss the merits and drawbacks of wearing a coconut bra.
AA: Well, I only bust out the bra on special occasions, like weddings and bar mitzvahs. But when I do wear it, I tend to stare in the mirror for extended periods of time. Going from an A cup to a 36C cup in a matter of seconds is amazing. It's on, then it's off. It's on, then it's off. It's so fun!
I usually get a good response from everybody whenever I wear the coconut bra. I tend to get my ass pinched a lot. For Halloween, I seriously counted 36 ass pinches. Unfortunately, over half of them were from dudes. People also tend to smack or hit the bra, leaving my breasts very raw and scratched. I'm not a piece of meat, people. I have feelings too.
The downside is that my pong game does worse when I wear it. The boobs get in the way during saves and sometimes the ball bounces off of it, making body saves impossible. I now understand why my portly friend Sam Valverde '04 sucks so much at pong.
The D: If you were to perform a romantic serenade for a special lady friend, what song would you choose to sing, and how would you go about serenading her?
AA: My first choice would be "Ain't No Fun" by Snoop Dogg. I'd slap my belly to make the beat and I'd rap the entire song over a candlelit dinner. I'll let the mojo work from there.
If that doesn't work, I'd fall back on some classic slow jams like Marvin Gaye, Teddy Pendergrass and The Stylistics. Since my voice tends to crack and I'm as sexy of a singer as somebody from Final Cut, I'd rather just play the music on my cassette player, whisper sweet nothings into my lady friend's ear, such as "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first" and then lay back and stare at the glow-in-the-dark solar system stickers on my ceiling. Teddy P always gets me in the mood for that.
The D: How proud are you to have the star of "Jingle All the Way" as the governor of your home state?
AA: I'm as proud of Arnold being my governor as I am being in this damn interview. Take that as you will ...
The D: You have aspirations to enter the music business. Which artist or band do you most admire, and why?
AA: I admire Britney Spears. Dressing in skimpy clothes has made her rich and famous so I think I could do the same.
Catch phrases like Lil Jon's "Yeah!," Michael Jackson's "Sh'mon," DMX's growl and Snoop's "Bitch!" are also intelligent moves to make it big in the industry, and I respect that. My catch phrase is gonna be "Oogly Googly" and making noises with my armpits.
The D: Name the most significant differences between life in California and New Hampshire.
AA: I'm a lot cooler at Dartmouth than I am back home. Everyone here is a bunch of dorks, yourself not excluded. I am a god among men. Back home I have to avoid the Mexican homies trying to shank me and gank my stuff. (My cousin still has my stereo!) Nobody here has to deal with the hood rats with press-on nails and black lipstick like I do. They scare me ...
The D: What have been the most important lessons you have learned during your tenure at Dartmouth? Is there any sage advice you would like to pass down to the underclassmen on campus?
AA: Hmm ... I've read many many books since I've been in Dartmouth, but nothing has taught me as much about life as those week-long benders during party weekends, such as Green Key. Think about it. You wake to the fresh smell of stale beer emanating from your body, cigarette odor all over your clothes and hair and you feel like absolute hell. Except instead of sleeping in till 3 p.m. like any other weekend, you roll over, crack open your fridge, and pop another bottle of brewsky to fix the hangover and get your body started for the pong games you already have planned with friends in an hour and a half.
After you finished your third game of Franzia/beer pong and are ready to pass out on your roommates bed because its that much closer than yours, you get on Blitz and start sending ridiculous things to friends, lady friends, professors, administrators and Blitz lists. (This is starting to sound a lot like yesterday for me). You realize its only 4 p.m. in the day and you still have seven or 8 more hours of unsupervised drinking and pre-pre gaming before the parties start, but you suck it up and keep going because you know its college and you won't be living life like this after graduation. So, younger kids, do your work and go to class. Man, if that ain't an important lesson in life, I don't know what is.
Oh, and one more thing. I have done many stupid things in the time I've been at Dartmouth. I have come to the conclusion many years ago that I am a dumbass. Seriously, it's refreshing to admit that I am a complete dumbass. Sometimes things just happen to me out of my control that would make any other person cry to mommy. Well, instead of doing that, I accept that my life is a long-running joke and enjoy all the stupid crap that happens to me. I have all the stories I've done in college written down somewhere. If any of you kids have done as much stupid crap as I have done, you should do the same and keep a log.
Who knows? Maybe you can make a movie out of it or something. If "Dude Where's My Car" made it big, I'm sure a true-to-life story of complete idiocy will make it big in the box office.
