Many of you, I am sure, remember Bill Clinton, the former President of the United States. In fact, Clinton was one of the most memorable presidents in recent history, in large part due to his children's books on tape with former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev.
In addition, Clinton was also well-known for both his domestic and foreign politics in an age of much prosperity across the country. Arguably, Clinton's tenure as president coincided with the country's most successful period in its long history. Of course, it's tough to reminisce about Clinton's presidency without remembering his impeachment hearings, which centered around his alleged and later admitted sexual escapades with one of his interns, Monica Lewinsky, whose name rhymes with mine.
Clinton's affair with Lewinsky was controversial because he was, and still is, married to Hillary Clinton, who, as a New York senator, now represents most of my family in the Senate. This should not come as a surprise to most readers, because Hillary has done an excellent job staying in the news, due mostly to her audio-tapes. Clearly, both Bill and Hillary Clinton have had successful political careers, and whether one agrees with their politics or not, they certainly have had a significant impact on shaping this country's past and future. Both are honored figures in America, and their words hold a much weight with a worldwide audience. And so it should come as no surprise that both Bill and Hillary Clinton have been nominated for Grammy awards this year. Well, maybe a little surprise.
I completely support music, and I often show this support by stealing music online. I also attended Whoopi Goldberg's Grammy viewing party last year in The Theatre, underneath Madison Square Garden, where the Grammys were held, during which I watched live performances from Coldplay and Cyndi "Oops, I Switched My Vowels" Lauper. But I don't think that, for the most part, music is an incredibly important venture when compared against such things as, say, government and world peace. Nevertheless, both Bill and Hillary -- henceforth to be referred to as "Billary" -- have evidently decided that selling spoken-word albums trumps the virtues of changing the world. Billary should not be competing for Grammy awards, much like Michael Jackson should not be competing for the Nobel Peace Prize. Michael Jackson, eighties pop icon and frequent front page headliner for alleged child molestation, should definitely not, I repeat, be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. A quick recap of the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize winner selection process, however, reveals the following:
In October 2003, Shirin Ebadi won the Nobel Peace Prize. Ebadi emerged from a field of 165 candidates to claim the coveted award, defeating other honorable nominees such as George W. Bush, who successfully liberated the U.S. Army into Iraq, and of course, Michael Jackson. Jackson was nominated for promoting peace through his pop music and not for -- and here I am taking a random guess at an action that would be frowned upon by Alfred Nobel and most normal people -- alleged inappropriate interactions with young boys. Luckily for Mr. Jackson (and I use the masculine "Mr." here very hesitantly), the committee which decides nominations can overlook threats to the livelihood of children. The award, which is worth an estimated $1.29 million, bears much less value in a prison's barter economy. Perhaps it could buy protection for a week. I don't know, I'm just guessing here. The point is that Michael Jackson, despite single-handedly assembling the most impressive list of musicians ever to sing the beautiful ballad "We Are The World," has not earned his nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize. Mostly because the only reason he assembled the musicians single-handedly was because the other hand was busy holding a baby over a balcony.
Returning to Billary, however, we must examine how they found themselves nominated for Grammy awards before we begin to criticize them. Or at least, we should probably check afterwards, just in case. Hillary has been nominated for "Best Spoken Album" for her oral rendition of "Living History," which I gather is bone-chilling, provided that you listen to it while unclothed in Siberia. Hillary Clinton is one of my senators, and I am glad that she has written a book -- just like she promised to do for me and my fellow New Yorkers when we all voted for her to be one of the most important members of the federal government for a six-year term. While I don't recall her making this promise specifically, I'm sure she snuck it somewhere in there with a whole bunch of stuff about Social Security. I never paid much attention to that election, so I suppose it's more than possible that she pledged to devote her time in office to writing an autobiography. Unless I'm confusing "writing an autobiography" with her actual agenda. After completing her book, she sat down and read it aloud, and then sold the tape recording to people who need more distractions while driving. Truly admirable, especially for somebody who has almost no responsibilities in life other than the well-being of every single citizen of New York state.
On the other hand, I'm still not convinced that Bill "Dollar Sign" Clinton's Grammy nomination isn't a joke. Billy Bob was nominated for "Best Spoken Word Album For Children," a category that remains a travesty until it is officially renamed for LeVar Burton. In order to qualify for this prestigious and unheard of award, Wet Willy teamed up with none other than Mikhail Gorbachev, of former Soviet Communist fame, and Sophia Loren, the famous 1950's and 1960's movie star who happens to be ranked sixth on Playboy's "100 Sexiest Women of the Century" list. The dynamic trio combined their efforts to produce a new version of "Peter And The Wolf" on tape, which will undoubtedly change everybody's archaic interpretations of this classic tale. I think it would be a good political metaphor if, in Clinton and Gorbachev's version of the tale, Peter and the Wolf decide to become friends, because one of their governments completely collapsed, and now the threat of mutually assured destruction has been destroyed. And so they just decide to nominate Loren for the Nobel Peace Prize.
