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The Dartmouth
May 27, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Effects can't save new 'Matrix'

Do you happen to remember the golden age of cinema? I am not talking about that age film critics agree upon, some age in the '50s, or somewhere around there. I am referring to an age in the late '80s, or somewhere around there. Well, anyway, it would seem that the golden age of cinema has been revived by the sequel to the blockbuster hit, "The Matrix." Yes, I am referring to "The Matrix Reloaded," or as I like to call it, "Bill & Ted: Reloaded."

Ted "Theodore" Logan -- oh, sorry, I meant to say Keanu Reeves -- returns as the near-to-almighty-yet-still-lacking-in-knowing character Neo (I'm sure you knew that already, but I am slow, so I had to consult the Oracle). As in the previous installment, Neo fights off evil programs and monstrosities of metal and, in general, nasty-looking robotica alongside his gaggle of latex-clad compadres and ultra-hip kung-fu masters. Imagine, if you will, a two-and-a-half-hour long erotic Tae Bo workout, and shazzam! You have yourself a summer blockbuster.

Of course, not everyone can be Billy Blanks. But imagine a not-too-distant future -- work with me now -- where everyone could be as buff and beautiful as that epitome of a man Billy Blanks is. No, silly, I am not referring to a suntan-oil sea in the state of New Arizona (formerly Iraq) where hardbodies run amok like lemmings on a very big hotplate. I am referring to Zion, which in the "Matrix" series is the last vestige of humankind remaining in the machine hell of the future.

However, Zion comes pretty damn close to a fantastic paradise that is exemplified by Christina Aguilera's video for her hit song "Dirrty." If you look close enough, I am sure you can spot some of the extras used for Christina's video in the movie. Hey, the futuristic machine hell doesn't look so bad now, does it?

Now, some of you may be confused or asking what lies in the future. I can simply tell you that it is friggin' awesome. In the future, you can move in slow motion whenever you want! I have always wanted some superpower, myself, but hell, I'll settle for anything, as long as it's not a rotten hot dog or a naked Richard Simmons in my bed. Be prepared though, ancient humans, because one thing that this movie tells you about the future is that slow motion happens ALL THE TIME, much like acne, I suppose.

Slow motion is a good substitue for dialogue. Thank God! With such marvelous quotes as, "I love you too goddamn much" and "You coulda just asked," the special effects begin to save the movie from drowning in Keanu's stoic stares and Morpheus' fortune-teller eight ball -- that is, until you notice a the scene I call "The Orgy of the Agent Smiths," which seems more like a "Matrix" version of "The Sims." But you must look beyond that, or close your eyes and drift away into a slumber.

Like many other teenagers in the United States, I thought the action was an excellent substitute for the movie's development, and after a while, I didn't even notice the dialogue any of the characters were saying, since my mind tuned out their voices during the long interludes between action sequences.

With the future looking so friggin' super-fantastique, you don't even know the whole story until you purchase the "Matrix" video game, which is due out soon, of course. The game highlights scenes from the movie which were not shown in the movie but are essential to you knowing what will happen in the third installment of the series. As for the black latex, I am sure full body suits will be arriving at every pharmacy and pool hall very soon.

If I could travel though time in some machine like, I don't know, a phone booth, I would travel back to 9:56 p.m. Wednesday night and tell myself, "You fool! Go back and get back your money, but pay enough to stay for the previews. Trust me, dude." Then I would whisk myself away back to the future and be evermore satisfied that not only would I have some more money in the future but that I would have paid for the real movie -- the trailer for "Freddy vs. Jason," that is.

In the end, "The Matrix Reloaded" is worth the money. With one sex scene, one sweaty, grinding dance scene, one appearance by the notorious Cornel West and five or so kung-fu fight sequences that would make even Bruce Lee say, "mama pajama," I would recommend taking the whole dormitory to see this movie. Go expecting to see fantastic action sequences and the great vision the Wachowski brothers have brought to the silver screen. Go to have a good time. Buy the latex, buy the game, eat the puddin'!