An Iraqi spokesman announced today that millions of Iraqi troops had surrounded Washington, D.C., and that the invasion of the American capital was to begin within the next couple hours. The spokesman commended the bravery of the Iraqi military for completely repulsing the American invasion and for taking the fight directly to the homes of the "evil, deathly, devilish, very, very bad Americans." He added, "the glorious soldiers of the god-like Saddam Hussein have severely disciplined the wretched invaders and have beheaded all of their tanks and airplanes. Today we annihilated approximately 200 million American soldiers, losing only three and a half of our own. We destroyed nearly 2,000 tanks and lost only 14 horse carts. Now we are at their doorstep and we are ringing their doorbell. Ding dong. Ding dong."
During the spokesman's statement, gunfire between American and Iraqi soldiers erupted on a nearby street. Despite being hit several times by American fire, as he lay dying the spokesman defiantly called his injuries "all illusions created by the Satanic, lying and cheating Americans. They are all dead, so all they can do now is use devilish computer trickery. I have my sword ready and I shall cut out all of their evil testicles gurgle, gurgle."
Meanwhile, the United States announced today that three more nations have joined the coalition in the war against Iraq, bringing the total number of members to something only slightly less than significant. According to the State Department, Antigua and Barbuda, Gabon and Irrelevant-land are the latest additions to the U.S.-led coalition. Each country has pledged some kind of support, ranging from several bushels of bananas from Antigua and Barbuda to the most elite squadron of fighting monkeys from Gabon. A spokesman for the State Department lauded the decisions of the three nations to join the coalition, saying, "the opinions of great, powerful nations like Antigua and Barbuda, Gabon and Irrelevant-land are deeply valued. Unless, of course, they disagree with us, in which case their opinions mean nothing, and in which case we will bomb the fecal matter out of them."
In other international news, President Bush received a "thank you" letter on Monday from Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of the Sept. 11 terror attacks and leader of the terrorist organization al Qaeda. In his letter, bin Laden praised President Bush's efforts to "breed thousands of American-hating, valiant young men who are willing to sacrifice their lives to kill imperialist Westerners," citing the war in Iraq as evidence that the president is indeed interested in furthering the terrorist mastermind's cause. Bin Laden closed the letter by fondly remembering the assistance provided to him by President Bush's father, the former President George Bush Sr., saying, "you Bushes are so generous: your father gave me money, arms and training to kill Americans, and you have provided me with a fresh army of freedom-fighters. I greatly appreciate your help. I look forward to killing your people soon." President Bush issued a statement saying that while he appreciated bin Laden's support, he was not completely convinced that his decision to attack Iraq had led anyone to become a terrorist.
Meanwhile in Yemen, Jordan, Turkey and several other nations in the Middle East, millions of angry protesters carrying signs reading, "George W. Bush's decision to attack Iraq has led me to become a terrorist" burned American flags and clashed with police outside American embassies. Administration officials downplayed the protests, saying that the unrest was simply a result of people wanting even more American involvement in the region, especially in the form of 2,000-pound laser-guided missiles landing on their two-year-old children's cribs.
