The College announced today that all clapping, cheering, talking and any other sort of "audible sound" will from now on be prohibited at all men's and women's home hockey games. This action was reportedly prompted by complaints from three spectators who were annoyed by the loudness of hockey crowds in Thompson Arena during last weekend's games. It comes after a similar move made last fall in which the College closed down parts of the student section around the opposing team's penalty box -- apparently in an effort to protect emotionally sensitive hockey players from the really mean taunts of spirited spectators. College officials have touted last fall's decision as one of the most successful college policies ever implemented. Indeed, players from opposing teams agree; many have noted that as a result of the College's actions, Thompson Arena is now the most welcoming and hospitable place to play an away game and helps them play better.
As a part of the new policy, hundreds of Safety and Security officers will be positioned throughout the arena, shushing fans and making mean faces whenever they hear anything inappropriate -- namely, any sort of noise. Sounds on the banned list include but are not limited to applause, shouting, cheering, booing, coughing, laughing and flatulence. The Dartmouth College Marching Band, however, will still be allowed to produce "music" with its atrocious interpretations of hits like "The Legend of Zelda" and "Star Wars XII: Princess Amidala Gets It On with a Wookie." Violators of new no sound regulations in Thompson Arena face immediate expulsion from the game or on the spot execution, depending on the mood of the attending Safety and Security officer. The College hopes that neither expulsion nor execution will be necessary, however, and intends to deter spectators from even considering making sounds by arming S&S officers with green fleece vests, two-way radios, mace and M-16 semi-automatic rifles modified with grenade launchers.
So far there has been little outcry from concerned students or fans who feel that the new no sound policy will detract from the hockey game experience, though the biggest men's home game of the season -- against Harvard -- takes place tonight. In fact, many students, when asked about their opinions on the new rules, shrugged their shoulders and babbled incoherently for a few seconds until their lips froze together. Several avid hockey fans mentioned, however, that they will continue to express their vibrant school spirit, albeit at other competitive events such as pong tournaments and chess matches.
Bud Booth '04, a Dartmouth student who has attended every single Dartmouth men's and women's home hockey game thus far during his three years at the college, is just one of the many who is dismayed by the latest round of spectator suppression. "I was like, really into cheering at hockey games and stuff. And yeah, I was sort of mean, you know. I said stuff like 'You are poopy,' and 'Your mom smells like a combination of my feet and a fraternity basement bathroom recently patronized by a 400-pound drunken slob who ate too many rancid beef burritos from Mojo's' to opposing players, but, you know, it's all part of hockey." Booth hinted that the new no sound policy may force him to take up other activities, adding, "Yeah, before I would like go to hockey games and cheer and stuff. Now that I can't do that, I think I'll just sit it my room by myself and slam a couple handles of Jack."
Phyllis McMoose, a veteran Safety and Security officer with two years on the force, said that the new measures are necessary because "clearly this cheering and shouting and clapping is offensive to the more noise-sensitive spectators who attend games, and we must make every effort to see to it that everyone can enjoy themselves." She added that if the new rules fail to quell the obnoxious applause and cheering that has marred Dartmouth hockey for decades, the College may be forced to ban spectators from attending games altogether: "If this kind of rude behavior continues, the head of school [President Wright] may decide that the only way to fix this problem is by keeping spectators out."
Concerns have been raised, however, that even this extreme measure of prohibiting fans from attending the games may fail to ameliorate the toxic levels of noise in Thompson, as sounds from the game itself -- pucks hitting the pipes, sticks tangling and hitting each other and number thirteen crushing opponents into the boards -- would still be present and still be offensive. One College official noted, however, that since there would be no fans present to hear the noises from the game, nobody would be offended. "It's sorta like that 'if a tree falls in the desert and there's no one around to see it -- does it make a noise' kinda deal," the official explained.
GIVE US OUR SEATS BACK AND LET US BE!
