Welcome back to the brand spanking new school term. Before we begin studying and renewing our Dartmouth life, let us look at something that is talked about this time of year -- that long lasting tradition we never seem to fulfill. I am talking about those dubious New Year's resolutions (NYRs). I am not asking that you make a resolution -- far from it. I want to briefly explore this vintage tradition and suggest a few resolutions for some people and groups we all know.
NYRs have ancient roots. The New Year's celebration and New Year's resolutions were first commemorated in Babylon around 2000 B.C.E. The Babylonians marked their New Year on March 23 because it was the beginning of spring; new crops later to be tilled and threshed symbolized the beginning of a new year of sustenance. In a symbolic display, the king would disrobe and leave the kingdom while his subjects readied for New Year's Day. The King would then return in his majestic robe for a grandiose parade. Day-to-day life would resume for the New Year.
A side note of comfort -- if you break your NYR, you can always restart your resolution in March in keeping with Babylonian tradition. Instead of inhaling Slim Fast or saving money, the Babylonians resolved to return borrowed farm equipment as a symbol of the New Year. Years later in 153 B.C.E., the Roman Senate altered New Year's Day to January 1, but the calendar was still asynchronous with the sun. Caesar extended 47 B.C.E. for 445 days to synchronize the calendar with the sun; the Julian calendar has been in place ever since.
NYRs have become synonymous with Dick Clark, Times Square, and the New Year celebration, and, as with Coca-Cola and apple pie, the NYR has become an American tradition. Millions of Americans decide to work out personal and interpersonal problems every year. The most common NYRs include getting in shape, saving money, quitting smoking, increasing productivity, and getting more sleep. Unfortunately, few of these actually work. Why? NYRs are dressed up intentions or "shoulds." They signify intent, but intentions seldom change things. Remember the saying, "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions"?
Sometimes good intentions fly in the face of ill-willed capitalists. For instance, many people try to quit smoking. A month after would-be smokers quit smoking is when the real cravings kick in. Cigarette companies issue directives to their advertising divisions to increase advertisements during this period, trying to convince those attempting to quit to stay with the cancer sticks. Joe Camel ain't so cool after all.
Having looked at the history of NYRs, let us now look at NYRs in today's world. A few peers and I compiled a list of possible NYRs for people and groups that we Dartmouth students all know something about. Mississippi Senator and former Majority Leader Trent Lott's NYR is to never again dream of having a white Christmas. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's NYR is to play a game of spades without using the race card. President Bush's NYR is to finish the critically acclaimed book A is for Apple, W is for War. His other NYR is to wipe out the domestic threat of pretzels.
Former VP Al Gore's NYR is to figure out how to make his entrances as graceful as his exits. Senator John Kerry's NYR is to use only one bottle of Vitalis hair tonic during the summer months. VP Dick Cheney's NYR is to kick his habit of rubbing his hands on an Enron payday. Georgia and South Carolina's new governors agreed upon a NYR -- to explain how the Confederate flag is a good thing for the nation. Senator Hillary Clinton's NYR is to realize all those foreign language-speaking New Yorkers are actually yelling, "Go home!"
Stepping aside from politics, but not too far, Larry King's NYR is to ask a non-open-ended question with two piercing follow up questions. Fox News's NYR is to let its news reporters decide a little less and report a little more and its other NYR is to search for one more buxom blonde to read from the teleprompter. ESPN's NYR is to run the Bear Bryant movie Junction Boys every hour of the day. Time Magazine's NYR is to pick someone we have all heard about for its annual Person of the Year edition. Actress Winona Rider's NYR is to look for cameras next time she pockets a chemise. The Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones's NYR is to take three deep breathes and listen to John Tesh's Avalon every time the Cowboys turn the ball over.
NYRs are found at Dartmouth too. The administration's NYR is to cut sports of slight significance. The Dartmouth student body's NYR is to remember when swimming mattered so much. AD's NYR is to find bands that are not instrumentally challenged. SigEp's NYR is to find an identity. The Dartmouth's NYR is to be more like the Yale Daily News. The Op-Ed section's NYR is to be seven notches less whiney.
And then there is my own New Year's resolution: to offend the most people as possible. Welcome back.
