Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, it is now official. Two of baseball's biggest names, and biggest egos, are now suffering from RCI " rectal-cranial immersion.
I am, of course, talking about Bud Selig and George Steinbrenner. The pair have made a series of ridiculous statements in the past week, clearly motivated by having their respective heads hopelessly lost in a spelunking mission in an uncomfortable body cavity.
And for these absurd statements, both deserve to be punished, but who can punish them? Selig is the Commissioner of baseball and would have to punish himself. Steinbrenner has been threatened with expulsion from the game numerous times, but nothing can or will be done, and the man even has managed to get a Presidential pardon into his resume (for illegal campaign activities in the '70s).
But more important is what they actually said. Steinbrenner has spent most of the season trying to buy another world championship for his aging starting rotation. All year there had been talk that he would be able to pry outfielder Cliff Floyd away from the Florida Marlins and make the 2002 Yankees the new Murderer's Row.
Instead Floyd was dealt to the Montreal Expos and Steinbrenner bought Raul Mondesi from the Toronto Blue Jays. But this past week, the Expos turned around and dealt Floyd to the Yankees main competition, the Boston Red Sox for two moderate pitching prospects.
In and of itself, this doesn't seem to pose a problem. The difficulty comes in the fact that Major League Baseball -- and, for all intensive purposes, Selig -- owns the Expos. The deal itself isn't terrible, and was motivated by money more than anything.
But George decided that it was a scam. "If Major League baseball owns Montreal and they get [Floyd] and [three] weeks later trade him to our biggest competitor, that's hard to believe," Steinbrenner said.
Oh I'm sorry George. Did the Sox out-buy you in the free agent market this year? Did they get the best player out there, while you got a player that few teams wanted for his skills, let alone his contract? George decided that his best move was to claim that the fix was in and that Selig was being generous to the Red Sox and their new owners, John Henry and co., who backed his contraction plans and would do so again.
This is just sad. George outspends everyone, year in and year out. He also has a great general manager, Brian Cashman, who knows his baseball. In fact, Cashman was working on a deal for Floyd when Steinbrenner decided that he knew better and ordered Mondesi bought immediately instead of waiting for Floyd.
In fact, the Yankees had a late chance to get Floyd anyway. But they refused to part with the necessary players, including starting first baseman Nick Johnson, again at the Boss' behest.
So having ruined his GM's first deal, and having been unwilling to consummate the second one, George made this stunning assessment: "Cashman continues to assure me this team will win His neck is out there but he likes this team a lot and we will see."
Is George sniffing glue again? Has he truly turned into the insane caricature that "Seinfeld" made him out to be? Cashman, a "boy" of 35 who has won three titles in his four years as the Yankees GM and brought them to the World Series in the one year they didn't win. That's unparalleled success. And George just threatened his job if they don't win the World Series this year because George botched the deals!
Alright. Enough of Steinbrenner's stupidity, arrogance and mismanagement. On to Bud. Bud has been working overtime to get teams contracted in baseball. His claims of baseball losing money last year have been challenged by everyone, the players are threatening him with a strike and he actually botched an All-Star game. His approval ratings are the polar opposite of George Bush. In fact, he's doing worse than Michael Dukakis in November 1988. He may even be behind George McGovern.
And knowing these facts, Bud recently attempted to win over fans and players to his dreams of contraction. He was on his game, being as suave as could be, trying to soothe fears and ameliorate all doubts. And so, he said that the Minnesota Twins' .616 winning percentage was an "aberration."
Say what? An aberration? 69-43, 17 games up on the Chicago White Sox, not to mention 29.5 games ahead of his daughter's pathetic excuse for a franchise, is an aberration?
Furthermore, he claimed that Minnesota is the only small market team doing well this year. Apparently he forgot about the Oakland Athletics, who have the third smallest payroll in baseball (smaller than Minnesota's) and have the 8th best record, 64-48. And the Cincinnati Reds, who are well into the bottom third in payroll but are contending well for the National League wild card.
Selig has no right to claim that the Twins' success is an aberration. He also has no right to list them as one of the two prime teams for contraction.
The best teams to be contracted, after the Montreal Expos, are the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Milwaukee Brewers. Both have small fan bases, both have a dearth of talent and both are in small markets. But the Devil Rays have a nice ballpark and reside in the home state of Jeb Bush, and the Brewers are owned by Selig's daughter. You want a conspiracy theory, George? Chew on this one. Leave the Red Sox the heck alone!
Selig once operated the Brewers, in their small market, and had nowhere near the success, talent or depth that currently exists in the Twins organization. Yes, their owner is a penny-pinching prick, but since when has that made a team ripe for contraction? Jeremy Jacobs has been screwing the Boston Bruins for years and no one would dare contract them. Selig is really envious that Carl Pohlad has done better with his team than Bud or his daughter will ever be capable of doing with their team because the Seligs don't know a damn thing about baseball.
This is what fans have to deal with on a daily basis. The Boss and baseball's boss running off at the mouth with things they shouldn't have said. It's time that fans, owners, players, politicians and some serious lawyers (paging OJ's Dream Team) get together and find a way to remove both Bud Selig and George Steinbrenner from baseball. If nothing else, it should make for good entertainment during the impending strike.