Breaking news here at CNN. One of the conjoined twin girls recently separated after an almost 24-hour operation has just sneezed. For the full story on this newest development we now go to our Los Angeles affiliate. Tom, what exactly is happening?"
"Linda I'm here at the UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles whereone of the conjoined twins separated yesterday after an almost 24-hour operation has just sneezed. The atmosphere of this hospital is almost as chaotic as when the other twin passed gas about two hours ago. Viewers saw the stunning footage of the flatulence episode earlier. Here now is an exclusive clip of the newest sneezing incident. As you can see, the twin makes a funny face and her nose cringes up and then she expels air through her nose. In all my years as a reporter, never have I seen such a dramatic display of sneezing."
"Wow, Tom, that is indeed some exhilarating footage. Look at her sneeze! Incredible. This really is an important and exciting story, Tom. Any idea on what caused this sneeze?"
"Well, Linda, doctors are saying that the sneeze may have been triggered by some kind of 'airborne element' that entered the twin's nose, causing this violent reaction."
"Stunning, Tom. Stunning. Thanks for the report."
"This is Fox News, where we report, you decide -- the only unbiased news source in the world today. And here are today's top stories. President Bush was looking gorgeous and healthy as ever today. He has done a great job in office so far -- two years into his term. I would go as far as to say he's our best president EVER. He has handled everything perfectly, and as a result the U.S. is in the best shape that it has been in decades. Go Mr. Bush!
"Meanwhile, the Justice Department's wonderful Operation TIPS program, which encourages government employees to patriotically observe and report suspicious people, met opposition from stupid American Civil Liberties Union bums who falsely claim that such a program would amount to simple 'government-sanctioned peeping toms' and would be roughly equivalent to allowing private citizens to spy on other Americans. To these ACLU asses I have the following message: get out of our country if you don't like the way it works. We're going to have this system whether you like it or not -- and shut up about these '1984' and Stalinist Soviet Union comparisons.
"And those are the headlines. Fox News -- we report, you decide."
"Welcome to MSNBC News. The nation was shocked again today when a seven-year-old girl was kidnapped from her home. This is the eightieth kidnapping to make headlines in the last two weeks. Tiffany Blahblah was abducted from her home this morning at 5:04 a.m., and the authorities have no clues as to her whereabouts or any information on her kidnappers. A spokesman hired by Tiffany's parents has released a statement saying they are sad and just want their child back. Yesterday Billy Whoopdeedoo was abducted from his home near Los Angeles while eating dinner and watching cartoons on TV. The day before that Sally Ohmygod was kidnapped from her swing set while her babysitter looked on in horror. Three days ago little Phil Notanotherone was taken from his backyard where he was swimming in the calm blue-green waters of his heated pool.
"Millions of Americans are going to tune in to this really important story. Tiffany's kidnapping is going to consume news coverage for the next several weeks. Although hundreds of kids go missing every week, we're going to lure people into watching coverage about this one kidnapping in particular, because, hey, we're the news and we control what information you get."
"Thank you for tuning in to the 10 o'clock news on your local news station, WPODUNK Channel 56. Our top story tonight: local man Bobby-Joe Williams has set a new county record by gaining 14 pounds in one sitting at Beth's Diner. Bobby-Joe ordered a fried steak, two hamburgers, two chocolate shakes, three sides of fries and a bowl of bacon grease 'for dipping.' Bobby-Joe was quoted as saying 'I dun never been mo' fuller in mah 'tire laff. I fel' lak I jus' ate me a harf er pig.' Haha, good job Bobby-Joe.
"And in other important news, mayor of Bumville, John John, announced today that he was banning evolution from his city of 430 people. According to Mayor John, evolution is a sin that should not be allowed. 'I believe that ding dang ding dang ding dang,' he said. 'And for that reason, ding dang dang evolution ding ding dang.' The people of Bumville are now considering abolishing sex and defecation from their city limits.
"And in lesser important news, some country called China and some other one called Taiwan exchanged some words or something. No big deal, so I hear."
What has happened to the real news?
