My fellow '04s, sophomore winter is finally here. It is now time to prepare to make the most important decision of our academic careers: do we face the cold to get an omelet for breakfast, or settle for a handful of stale Cheese-Its instead? Okay Okay that's not what I meant to say (I am just ever so tired of Cheese-Its). What I really meant to mention of course was "choosing a major" that's right, it is finally time to start thinking about choosing a major (and maybe get an omelet or two while we're at it). Don't worry though, for I have put together this consistently spaced and often grammatically correct column to assist you in this arduous task.
We will start our examination of how the college major selection process works by following this well researched and fully annotated account of the life of a typical college student:
Freshman fall: Hey fellow students, I'm a pre-med major! (Translation: Chicks dig doctors.)
Freshman winter: I wasn't quite sure whether medicine or finance was for me, but I've finally decided that I have a lot more to contribute in the field of Economics. (Translation: It took me several class periods just to realize the Chem 5 professor was speaking English.)
Freshman spring: Economics was really way too heartless for me. I'm a compassionate individual and really feel that a Sociology major will allow me to get in touch with the problems of our world, and perhaps one day be a part of the solution. (Translation: HOLY CRAP, ECON WAS HARD! At least Sociology has an 'ology' in it -- if I say it real fast it kind of sounds like "Biology.")
Freshman summer: Well Sociology was fine and all, but I am a creative soul, and there really is much more I could learn from a study of Music Theory -- as a wise man once said, is music not the truest reflection of society's temperament? (Translation: No one warned me that there was so much damn "thinking" and "reading" in Sociology I'm good with Napster -- maybe Music Theory won't be so bad.)
Sophomore fall: Music Theory really wasn't what I was looking for, I think what would complement my abilities best would be the study of Sports Management (Translation: Music Theory!? What the hell was I thinking? My idea of inspired composition is Mandy Moore's Christmas CD.)
Sophomore winter: Okay, so it turns out that we don't really have a Sports Management major here, but that's okay; the real problem is that I don't mesh appropriately with the academic framework in place at this school. This is why I have been forced to create my own major: Thematic Interactions Between the Philadelphia 76ers and the Boston Celtics, with a concentration on the Evolution of Form as Demonstrated by Paul Pierce and Allen Iverson. (Translation: Iverson rules!)
Sophomore spring: Hey look at this, I got a letter here from the registrar, let's see what it says: major has been denied no academic merit Iverson's grace is beyond my comprehension try pre-med major instead ... (Translation: I'm screwed.)
Sophomore summer: Would you like fries with that?
Hopefully this dialogue provided an optimistic and informative look at choosing a majorthough in reality it probably just severely offended you, which is why I am going to quickly move on and shift the focus onto the two universal rules of selecting a major:
First, everyone always ends up disliking whatever major they choose. You hear all sorts of explanations for this phenomenon, usually along the lines of "this major is not what I thought it would be," "it isn't spending enough time on this," "it spends too much time on that" and "I don't know how to read," all of which are just code for: "this [expletive deleted] is hard!" This is a fact that we all just have to accept; no matter how much you think you like the material, upper level classes are hard -- if they were easy we would have to start calling this place Harvard.
Second, regardless of what you choose to major in, you are only going to have two options after you graduate: go to graduate school or become a "consultant." Which brings me to an important digression (and I don't want to make waves here because I know the whole "consultant" gig has made a lot of money for a lot of students), but I just have to ask: what the hell does a "consultant" do? Think about it, each spring you hear seniors merrily talking about the "consultant" jobs that they got, but do you have any idea what this mysterious occupation actually involves? After several intense minutes of looking into this, all I could gather is that "consultants" provide some sort of advice, make a bunch of money, travel a lot and have something to do with business:
Business Guy: Hey consultant, answer me this, should I have roast beef or smoked turkey for lunch today?
"Consultant:" I'll have to run that through a couple of computer models, and then get back to you in six to eight weeks with an answer.
Business Guy: Thanks for the advice, here is a bunch of money, why don't you travel a lot.
The only sensible and practical explanation as to why no one really knows what a "consultant" actually does, is that they are in reality involved in some sort of super-secret undercover agent operation. That's why they travel so much; we probably have "consultants" in hotspots all around the world:
Saddam Hussein: Hey mysterious agent, answer me this, should I have roast beef or smoked turkey for lunch today?
So, let's see -- I guess that about sums it up -- all the practical advice you could ever need to choose a major. Now with that burden lifted off your shoulders, you can get back to more important issues like, "If I walk to class with a thermos of coffee in my pants, will I be comfortably warm or severely burned?" So if you'll excuse me, I have just finished taping the name of every major to my wall and need to go find a dart.
