To be young is to rebel; this is a truth as powerful as any other. And thus I decided several months ago that instead of flying back to Dartmouth in the fall, I would drive. From California. Rebellious? Hell, I figured this put me in a class with the Vietcong. After all, how much more rebellious could I get than a decision that would thrust my mother into a weeklong state of perpetual worry?
The fact that my parents were allowing me to go did not deter me. After buying a used car, I informed some of the adults I knew of my daring plans.
"Yep," I told my neighbor, Jim. "I'm driving back to school."
"Wow!" he exclaimed, in an obvious attempt to hide his fear for my safety.
"Yep, should be a dangerous drive," I stated.
"Sounds like fun," he said. "I wish I was doing that!"
An adult co-worker of mine seemed just as stunned by my reckless teenage rebellion.
"Can I come too?" she asked excitedly.
"No, no," I replied. "Too dangerous. One can go more easily than two."
The day before I left, I decided to make my rebellion complete with one simple purchase: a bumper sticker. And so I drove to Telegraph Avenue, in my hometown of Berkeley, a street famous for free speech protests and eccentric street vendors. It didn't take long to find a bumper sticker cart.
"Two bucks each," the aging hippie behind the table told me. "Pick any one you like."
Hmmm. What to place on the back of my flashy Toyota Corolla?
"Don't like Abortion? Have a vasectomy!" No.
"Impeach Bush. Then Hang Him." Too violent. Plus, I'm against the death penalty.
"I missed church because I was practicing witchcraft and learning to become a lesbian." Nice, but probably not applicable to me. Finally, I settled on a simple, rebellious message: "Bush Lost." I gave the hippie two dollars, and went off to browse the vulgar t-shirt store.
But at some point between the corner of Telegraph and Durant and the rear bumper of my car, I chickened out. My drive was taking me through a lot of states that were painted red on CNN last November. What if angry Nebraskans took shots at my tires? Worse yet, what if people thought I was Al Gore himself? I wouldn't make it to the shores of the Mississippi! Being cautiously rebellious, I decided to store the bumper sticker in my glove compartment.
The whole dilemma got me thinking about bumper stickers. What better form of rebellion is there? Body piercing and tattoos are too painful, rock music too clich. Bumper stickers are simple, effective, highly visible, and if worded right, can have depth and humor at the same time. Very few rock songs possess that combination. So as I took off on my daring voyage, I decided to take note of the bumper stickers that I saw along the way.
"Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton." "My President is Charlton Heston." "Not all Dumbs are Blonde." "Abortion? Pick on someone your own size!" "Straight from Vermont" (picture of male and female symbols intertwined).
Although the first one really scared me, I had to admit its brilliance. Calling for the kidnapping of the President could get a person beheaded in many countries! The Charlton Heston one worried me until I confirmed it wasn't true. The Vermont sticker was humorous in that the owner felt compelled to declare his sexual orientation simply because he was afraid his Vermont license would leave doubts in people's minds.
But my favorite sticker was one I found at a rest stop near Buffalo, New York. I believe it wins the grand prize by a large margin:
"Keep honking, I'm reloading."
Not much you can say to that.
Sadly, rebellion may be a lost art in this country. Kids today often do drugs because of, and not in spite of, their parents. More and more children are growing up conservative and working on Republican political campaigns. In the ultimate perversion of rebellion, some of these conservatives are even the children of liberals.
Maybe we at Dartmouth can reverse this trend. Maybe, as students at an elite, Ivy League school, we are in the perfect position to begin what I will call the "Bumper Sticker Rebellion." It's pretty simple. Every student who backs our rebellion (which is a rebellion against the lack of rebellion occurring in our country) will show his or her support by attaching a funny bumper sticker to the back of a car, and preferably not someone else's car. Together, we can take back this country.
Meanwhile, when the year is over, I will slap that "Bush Lost" sticker to the rear of my car and drive the length of this country once again. After all, Bush lost, and the whole world will know what I consider to be the truth. Yeah, keep honking, buddy. I'm reloading.
