Crazy Eights

by Dan Kay | 5/25/01 5:00am

This year has been a reasonably mediocre one in the world of sports. No one seems too excited about the NHL or NBA playoffs; and to be honest sometimes I even forgot that they were still going. There's no World Cup or Olympics in the near future, so I started dreaming about the eight things I'd like to see to enliven the sports world and provide us with some entertainment.

  1. Michael Jordan returns to the NBA, and is humiliated

Hey, if he comes back, it's going happen, and I'm gonna be the one sitting on my couch laughing as Kobe Bryant wears him down and dunks in his face. Everyone seems to have this idea that a soon-to-be 39-year-old Jordan will be able to wade back into the NBA waters and simply assert his dominance over the sport once again. He was good in the past, but that time and team are gone now, and besides, everyone knows Bill Cartwright and Steve Kerr were the real secrets to the Bulls' championships. Players like Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson and Tracy Mcgrady will run all over him, and it'll be sweet revenge for an old Knicks fan.

  1. Tiger Woods falters; Scott Verplank asserts dominance over Tour

Will this happen? I predict a Red Sox World Series win before this, but hey I can dream. It's just too boring watching Tiger go out week after week and make some of the worlds best athletes look like they are playing another game. I am an iconoclast you say? Well maybe but it's also really funny when Tiger hits an errant shot and starts yelling and complaining to himself.

  1. Vince McMahon buys PBA, pioneers Extreme Bowling

I think this could be a winner, folks: under-qualified announcers who hold high elected offices, scantily clad women and bowling. If there's any better combination, I haven't heard of it. Full contact would be a must here, bonus points if you use your opponent to knock down the pins. You better get your fill quick though; past experience shows this type of thing doesn't stick around too long.

  1. Pong replaces baseball as the nation's national pastime, Dartmouth derecognizes USA

But seriously, wouldn't it be great? You could watch the game while playing it yourself. The possibilities are endless. The best athletes would be big and beer-bellied and no one would feel bad about themselves. There would even be a pro tour, and Dartmouth students would always have a job waiting for them after graduation.

  1. Middle schooler enters NBA Draft, becomes lottery pick

It's only a matter of time before this one happens. Have you seen this year's draft? I've seen older kids at Chuck E. Cheese's. This year there is an excellent chance that the top five picks will be four high schoolers and a college freshman. 'Course if I was 6' 11'' and had some moves, I'd want to do the same thing. If you've got the talent, you might as well go for it. But, they better watch out for the up and coming talent though. It's just going to be incredibly entertaining when I get to watch a 14-year-old dunk over Michael Jordan.

  1. NASCAR fans realize they are watching cars go in circles, riot

I'm sure there are going to be lots of angry racing fans out there, but guess what: this isn't a sport. Grand prix style racing? Maybe I could give that to you. At least navigating sharp narrow curves requires some sort of skill. You want to see some real driving? Take your car onto the Long Island Expressway and head into New York around 7 p.m. any day of the week. You'll see soccer moms do things you never thought Jeff Gordon was capable of. The action will be so riveting, you'll never watch NASCAR ever again.

  1. Anna Kournikova wins a Grand Slam event, media expounds, "Wow! She's HOT!"

Personally, I'm getting a little tired of all this unfounded coverage of Anna Kournikova. She's good looking and all, but maybe she could stop doing commercials and NHL players and learn to hit a tennis ball. It's like Michael Jordan and the Washington Wizards, lots of media attention and hype, no results. (Somewhere Michael Jordan is weeping.)

  1. Gore challenges Bush to boxing match for presidency

Boy wouldn't this be a great match up. Half the time I was watching the debates I thought Gore was going to scream out "For God's sake people, can't you see this man's an idiot!" and then attack W. I give Gore the size advantage, but Bush has the quickness and an ability to confuse those around him. The ref would have to be someone impartial, with no ties to either Gore or Bush ... how about Katherine Harris? Judge's final score, Bush: 112 Gore: 113, so apparently Bush wins again.