Classism Erupts Into Violence

by John Haskell | 5/23/01 5:00am

Confirming allegations of institutionalized classism at Dartmouth, class conflict finally erupted into physical combat in a war on the Green this past Saturday. This class combat was a sort of world war of the Dartmouth community, as everybody fought everybody else in an orgy of violence. Each class stood alone: the '04s fighting the '03s fighting the '02s fighting the '01s, in a dark day the memory of which will tarnish the image of Green Key weekend for days to come.

Although it was clear that everybody was fighting everybody else without regard to life, limb or human suffering, it was not as clear just why such class conflict erupted, and just what they were fighting over. Much like recent protests on this campus, there was no unifying purpose, and everybody seemed to be fighting for something different. Said Zach Harrison '04, "I was fighting for the liberation of my people from the oppressive tyranny of the upperclassmen, who oppress the '04s on a daily basis. I mean, they won't even let me join a fraternity. Classist bastards."

According to an '02 woman who chose to be referred to as "anonymous," "I am fighting to take back the night, which the '01s unfairly stole from the '02s last fall. I am out to rectify this wrong and to quench my thirst for revenge." She denied to comment on how exactly the '01s stole the night, but she vowed to regain it triumphantly. All '01s interviewed were too drunk to piece together a coherent response to her allegation.

It can be assumed that class tensions finally erupted into combat as a result of one thing: alcohol. Although the issues over which people were fighting were frivolous at best, that was of little importance in this epic battle of drunk versus drunker.

Although there have been no class conflicts in recent years, a reporter for The Dartmouth interviewed with the town of Hanover's oldest resident, Dirty Man Winkle, on the subject. Winkle indicated that such violence is not without precedent. Apparently, in 1794, he was part of a peasant uprising when the commoners became fed up with the lord of the manor, who forced them to till the Green for 18 hours a day. They broke into the lord's mansion, which still stands as the largest structure on Webster Avenue, and had the lord beheaded. "We too were a drunken posse," Winkle insists. He became quite belligerent when The Dartmouth reporter reminded him that this rebellion was back during the prohibition, when there was not a drop of alcohol in America, even at Dartmouth. In his delusional senile rage, Winkle criticized The Dartmouth for its lack of journalistic integrity and failure to know its school's history.

The fact that this earlier rebellion consisted of the people banding together to put an end to the evil of their oppressors has prompted some combatants to question whether they were fighting the right enemies. "Perhaps instead of fighting amongst ourselves, we should band together and fight the administration, who are our true oppressors," mused one student in a philosophical air. "In fact, I bet they were behind this whole tragic conflict, attempting to undermine the power of the student body by dividing us amongst ourselves. A sinister plot indeed." Members of the administration pretended to be too drunk to comment.

Regardless of whether or not this theory is true, the battle was a spectacle, including much more sophisticated military techniques than those of previous class conflict, such as mud wrestling, ass boxing, and the joust. Despite these superior techniques, Saturday's conflict was all in all much less destructive, as nobody was killed or even severely burned. No side resorted to the use of biological or chemical warfare. At one point, the '02's attempted to use an overweight alcohol-poisoned inbred golden retriever to attack their opponents. However, their plot failed when the dog passed out on the battle-field, where he was stepped on numerous times without waking up. Despite this strategic blunder, the '02's emerged victorious, capturing the field around 4:00 p.m. The "anonymous" girl interviewed before was too drunk that night to comment as to whether or not her class had succeeded in taking back the night through their victory, but judging by her condition, one can only assume that they had.

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