I believe that the Student Life Initiative is fake. In all likelihood, it's just a hoax. There is no way anything will be done to the fraternities, because Dartmouth likes money, and old frat alums like to give theirs away. Obviously, Dartmouth would not want to anger those who hold the purse strings, so they couldn't seriously be considering messing with the fraternities. You see, the "recommendation" of the steering committee was never meant to be taken seriously. No, no, it was simply meant to divert our attention from the real issue at hand. Nobody is going to try to deprive us of fun. However, even as we speak, the powers that be are attempting to deprive us of food.
This culinary oppression should be obvious to anyone who frequents the fine establishments of DDS. We all remember hearing about how Dartmouth's food is among the best of any college's before we came here. This may well be the case, as most of the food is pretty good, or at any rate fit for human consumption. However, we are told nothing of the oppressive ways of DDS. We are not told that they charge ridiculous prices for us to sample their cuisine. For instance, one time I was pretty hungry, so I went to the hop and got a fajita, some kind of sandwich, a banana, and a drink. The tab: $12. I should have gone to Murphy's.
However, the oppressive nature of the meal plans prevent students from eating out more than occasionally, preserving the evil empire that the monopoly of DDS has become. Most students opt for the standard meal plan, in which you pay $720 for $720 worth of food. Fair enough. However, if you decide that you'd rather eat cheeseburger deals only five or six days out of the week, you are unfairly persecuted. For $490 worth of food, students must pay $540 thanks to a $50 service charge. (Sure is labor intensive to put $490 on somebody's account. Damn.) If it wasn't for this charge, most rational students would opt for the lower plan and simply eat out more often. For the seven dollars you spend on a meal at food court, you could have eaten good food at Molly's , Lou's, or Ramunto's.
The College further supports the monopoly of DDS by roughing up the members of Hanover's Town Council until they agreed to ban all fast food restaurants. The culinary persecution created by this is almost unthinkable, for a cheeseburger deal just isn't the same a Big Bacon Classic. Nor does the Mexican at Westside even compare to Taco Bell, which by all rights should be the lowest common denominator of edible "Mexican" food.
The final way in which DDS deprives me of my God-given constitutional right to eat food is by closing ridiculously early. We are college students. Some of us are still awake at the ungodly hour of 2:30 a.m., the closing time of Midnight Express. What is really lacking is an establishment that is open around the clock. Back home, there was a 24-hour Country Kitchen in my town, and after things wound down at night, everything ended up there. Going to a relaxing place to sit and eat breakfast while inebriated at 3:45 a.m. is one of life's finer pleasures, and one of which no man, woman or child should be deprived.
We must call the College's bluff with their little "Student Life Initiative." It's time we realize the grave dietary injustices that we are faced with, and fight for our right to eat.
