A European friend once told me the great thing about democracy and America is that every kid can dream of growing up and one day becoming the President of the United States. I always thought the great thing about democracy and America is that everyone is born free and equal and that the women shave their legs. I have never cared much for politics. In the sixth grade, I was elected vice president of the Student Government. It was the only time I ever ran for any office, and I was only elected because my campaign slogans were full of witty rhymes ("Vote for Kuhn, he's no goon"), and my mom baked brownies that I handed out at the polls on election day. When I learned that the Student Council met before school at the ungodly hour of 7 a.m., I resigned and terminated what might have been a promising career of corrupt political machinations.
Now here I am, several years older and even more lazy and cynical. Any childhood dreams I might have had of becoming President have long since been dashed, for I am neither rich nor Protestant and my ears turn a bright shade of red whenever I talk to a group of people. But my ineptitude as a political persona hasn't kept me out of campus politics entirely. In fact, I voted last week on the Student Assembly's response to the Student Life Initiative. And if you think the SA's response to the SLI ultimately made no difference and was just worthless self-promotion, just think how badly the Trustees would have ignored it if I hadn't voted?
In all fairness, I have some friends on the Student Assembly and I honestly admire their hard work and dedication. I just think that it's misplaced. Unless it's just something to beef up a resume, there is no real function served by being a member of the Student Assembly. Actually, I take that back. After all, the Student Assembly did fight hard to get that TV installed in Thayer. And it's probably not the SA's fault that the TV always seems to be tuned to the weather channel, allowing Dartmouth students in Thayer to find out what the weather's like outside without having to go through the old-fashioned, tedious process of looking out the window.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing the members of the Student Assembly. In fact, I sympathize with them. I'm sure they want the same things I want -- to improve the Dartmouth experience for everyone in the community, to take a stand on important issues that matter to the College, to represent to the administration the best interests of the students, and to see the plane carrying the entire Yankees' roster crash into the sea. But these things aren't likely to happen the way we'd all like them to. For now, the SA has to be satisfied with its role as nothing more than a gnat buzzing in the ear of the administration. And any group that wastes an entire evening trying to come to a consensus on whether their leader should be called "Student Body President" or "Student Assembly President" doesn't deserve to have any more power or sway in the way things work at this College.
As much as I wish students had more power and influence on the administrative decisions that shape our Dartmouth College experience, I also hope that the events of the past week help the Student Assembly shake off any delusions of grandeur that it still might have. In a lot of my columns, I've criticized the Deans, the President, and the Trustees for various things that I thought could have been handled better. But I know they aren't going to respond to me and I've come to terms with the fact that, ultimately, what I say and think means nothing to this administration. Like kids in a bad orphanage, we have to sit there and eat the gruel that we're given. You can go to President Wright and complain about anything you want, but he's set in his ways. And whether your call yourself the Student Assembly President or the Student Body President, he's still just going to slop a heaping serving of gruel on your plate. As Assemblyman Collin O'Mara '01 said, "Right now, the words 'joke' and 'Student Assembly' are synonymous." And, like all jokes, it's a lot funnier when you don't take yourself too seriously.
