One drunken frat boy. A bunch of kegs lined up in a row. Could anything better represent man's never-ending struggle to conquer nature?
The brothers of Psi Upsilon fraternity meet once a year to try to answer this complex question, or at least to get slightly inebriated in public.
Returning from a one-year hiatus, Psi U is holding its 19th annual Keg Jump this Winter Carnival weekend. In this competition, Psi U members attempt to jump over a line of kegs that are laid out on the fraternity's frozen lawn.
The competitors gain speed by skating for a few meters towards the kegs before taking off into the air, hopefully to land on the mattresses that lie just beyond the obstacles.
The Keg Jump has traditionally resulted in many bloody injuries, due to the skaters' attempts to defy gravity by jumping over as many as 13 kegs. Of course, the ability to consume significant amounts of alcohol is valuable in this regard, in that it both inspires the courage -- or incompetence, some might argue -- to attempt the difficult jumps and numb the pain that accompanies failed leaps.
Although no one truly loses when participating in an event such as this, the person who clears the most kegs is crowned the winner. The competition begins with one keg which all of the jumpers must clear to move on to the following round, after which another keg is added, and so forth.
These early rounds in particular provide ample time for the competitors to dispose of their sobriety and thus help their chances of victory.
To prevail in this event, a skater must possess balance, strength, determination and tolerance. He must also have enough charisma to find an organization to sponsor him in the event, since this is a requirement for participation.
Due to the announcement of the Five Principles about this time last year, the Keg Jump was cancelled, meaning there is a shortage of experienced jumpers this time around. As a result, the seniors must be considered the favorites, yet one cannot rule out the first-time skaters.
From the comments of the competitors -- on which this entire article is based -- it seems apparent that many of them have a background in keg jumping, so this could be anyone's year.
Since the average spectator cannot be expected to understand the many complexities of the event, here is The Dartmouth's guide to who will win this year's Psi U Keg Jump; the odds of winning are noted in parenthesis.
The favorites
The man to beat in this year's keg jump has to be Alex Neuhoff '00 (3-1). Neuhoff topped the sophomore class in his first keg jump, clearing 10 kegs and only withdrawing due to a neck injury sustained from landing gracefully on the mattresses.
As the highest finishing jumper returning from the 1998 keg jump, Neuhoff represents the voice of experience. Although he fell short of breaking the record in '98, he insists that the kegs "were not regulation," and still holds the record as the only jumper to ever take off his skate and attempt to stab someone.
Neuhoff commented that he expects competition from some of "the good youngsters out there." Neuhoff dedicates his performance to his dog Charlie.
After playing with all heart for an interminable 24 seasons in the minors, Marcus Coe '00 (5-1) finally got the call to the professional keg jumping circuit in Lapland last year.
About his stint in the show, Coe said "I just thank the Lord that I got the chance to contribute to the team. We really gelled with some great coaching, and a lot of important people stepped up at their positions during crunch time."
Coe was part of a one-man, coach-less program. After a career ending arch injury, Coe has come home from the frozen wilds of Scandinavia to mount a comeback on his home ice at Psi U. Look for this man to be the Cinderella story of the keg jump, or at least look for his traditional Finnish hockey skates made from tanned reindeer skin and honed flint blades.
"I made 'em myself," Coe said, "using only my wits, my teeth and my animal instincts." Right.
Two years ago, second-seeded Drew Pluhar '00 (5-2) lost reflexes in his lower body after a losing struggle with gravity. He is back this year though, thanks to a sophisticated exoskeleton constructed by friend, pen pal and noted Cambridge-based physicist, Stephen Hawking.
When asked about Pluhar's prospects, Hawking said, "I may have written 'A Brief History of Time,' but I sure have a hard time putting on my briefs. You see, my body doesn't work."
Sponsored by the ladies of Tri-Delt, Brent Edwards '00 (8-1) is a contender that commands respect. After missing previous jumps because of his conservative, responsible nature, this year Edwards is ready to go all out in his quest to quash the world record.
Edwards explained he has always had a passion for jumping. At the age of five he got his first pogo stick and at seven he received a bronze medal in the pogo stick distance jump at the Junior X-Games.
This man is no stranger to the air, no stranger to the ice and no stranger to victory. And if all else fails, Edwards is a shoe-in for the 5 p.m. table-slide competition.
The contenders
For Chris Winterbottom '02 (12-1), the road to the keg jump has been paved with broken dreams. After high school, he took a few years off to train with the Olympic curling team.
When asked about his role on the team, Winterbottom displayed his curling expertise by describing himself as "one of the guys who sweeps the ice in front of the rock thing."
He was a promising young curler, and he had dreams of winning Olympic gold. All that changed one day when he lost his sweeping arm in a tragic grizzly bear wrestling accident. Since then, he has gotten into keg jumping.
Winterbottom commented on the change, saying, "I know I'll never have the same passion for jumping over kegs as I had for sweeping the ice in front of a slowly moving rock, but you've got to make a living somehow."
William "Tripod" Hughes '01 (18-1) has been training for the keg jump his whole life. Raised on the rough streets of Boston, Hughes learned how to jump by running down alleyways chased by throngs of "Chowderheads."
Unfortunately, as a child, Hughes accidentally pounded a bottle of "paint thinner" instead of "milk." The resulting loss in frontal lobe mass diminished both his claim to being fully "potty-trained" and his ability to use nouns other than "guy," "boss" and the occasional "Ti-dow."
This form of Pidgin English renders him unintelligible in the classroom, but allows him to focus single-mindedly on jumping over kegs.
Hughes wishes to win for "all the children in America" as well as for childhood hero "J.J. 'Dy-no-mite' Walker," another 6'5" 135 lb. dynamo.
Hailing from above the 49th parallel in snowy Quebec, Jean-Pablo Stern-du-Tabernacle, a.k.a Pablo Stern '01 (20-1), honed his skills by skating 12 kilometers a day on his beaver-clubbing circuit.
Perhaps his greatest accomplishment was re-inflating his lead sled dog's collapsed lung using only his hockey skates, the metric system and a case of Molson Dry. When asked about this year's keg jump, he replied: "I do dee keg jumping dis 'ear, eh."
The crowd pleasers
Hailing from Florida, Jonathan "JT" Taylor '00 (22-1) has never seen ice before. But that hasn't prevented him from becoming the most electrifying man in keg jumping entertainment.
Sidelined last year with an unfortunate case of the Trustees, JT was unable to jump. He dedicates this year's performance to the millions and millions of loyal JT fans.
Hailing from the cornfields of Illinois, Drew Mowery '00 (25-1) is another veteran jumper in this year's competition. Though not one of the favorites to win, young Mowery is always a crowd pleaser with his impaired, doddering skating technique.
His performance two years ago was highlighted by a bone-jarring collision in which he simply forgot to jump before reaching the kegs. Mowery hopes to contend this year, however, after adding "turning" and "stopping" to his repertoire of skills in the off-season. Look for him to leave his dignity at home when he takes to the ice tomorrow.
Bill Meyer '02 (30-1) appears to possess the most anger of the participants. After repeatedly stating his disdain for odds, which ironically are very much against him, Meyer went on to complain that "he's sick of all these roody-poo candy a- -es clearing a meager eight to 10 kegs."
In an attempt to curry the crowd's favor, Meyer has dubbed this year "the people's year," and himself "the people's champ."
Meyer continued to dig an even bigger hole for himself, stating in regard to his opponents, "It's time they open their eyes, shut their mouths, and know their roles, cause The Great One is going to be showcasing one of the most electrifying moves in fraternity entertainment, 'the people's jump.'"
The yokels
Douglas Fenton '02 (45-1) is part of a long family tradition of keg jumping. His great grandfather won his first keg jump back in Ireland, the prize being a ticket over to this great country aboard the Titanic. Since then, the "jump" has been strong in the family.
In his early youth in a central Midwest cow town, Fenton honed his skills and strength by cowtipping, picking corn, running really fast into cows while they slept, and husking corn. Fenton's family sold their best mule to the glue factory just so he could buy skates.
Fenton also stressed the fact that his family owns a pickup truck and hates the Confederates. His battle cry is, "Divick Schmivick, I said more kegs!"
In the grand tradition of past keg jumpers such as Ryan Gilboil '98, Watt Boone '00 (56-1) is the king of revelry and pleasure once he gets on skates. Hailing from the backwoods of the deep, warm South, Boone's powerful jumping legs come from years of chasing 'coons, eating grits, and driving carpetbaggers out of the region.
He looks to improve on his 1998 performance of five kegs, an impressive feat since he had only a couple of butter knives taped to his shoes to serve as skates. Boone's signature "Kiewit Pants" jump could make an appearance this year, so look out for this dark-horse contender.
Eric Long '01 (65-1) received his initial training at the circus as the son of a midget and the bearded lady. But after a misunderstanding involving the elephants and a bottle of fluffer-nutter, he was forced out into the cruel world to make his own way.
Born and raised in Texas, land of the nine-month winter, Long is a natural on the ice. He's had plenty of experience jumping the tumbleweed that comes rolling through town so simple stationary kegs should present no problem.
Sired by albino snow monkeys on the frozen tundra of Western Kansas, the corn-fed farm boy, Errik Anderson '00 (77-1), has been genetically engineered for the quick six ... of kegs.
Anderson spent the off-season driving to Lebanon where he practiced his diving prowess into the deep end of the pool and now hopes to translate that into a lucrative Mountain Dew contract for jumping kegs. His lack of diving prowess is more than made up for by his complete lack of concern for his body.
The doubtful
Dan Huddleston '00 (80-1) hails from Knoxville, Tenn., and his uncle Cletus "Zamboni" Tubbs invented the ICEE frozen beverage.
Huddleston developed a tremendous zeal for winter sports by watching superior winter athletes such as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin on TV last summer. Dan will most likely fall and hurt himself on the way to the first keg.
Reid Smith '01 (100-1) has never jumped before, and for that matter has never skated much. This junior from Texas has recently learned to skate on Psi U's frozen front yard.
It has been a long process full of bruises and scrapes, but Smith feels it has fully prepared him for the keg jump. He has a determination to hurdle himself over hard metal objects that he hopes others don't have, and he also has a fairly low tolerance. Smith hopes this combination will be a winning one.
Even though he just learned to skate, Tyler Wilson '02 (150-1) feels he has a chance to win because he's seen the Keg Jump before and he's studied it. He commented that he's "observed how the guys jumped the kegs, and he's picked some things up."
Look for Wilson to be sardonically irreverent and yelling "Divick Schmivick, I said more kegs!" Perhaps the battle for ownership of this motto could spark a rivalry between Wilson and classmate Douglas Fenton, although it is difficult to tell at this point.
Hailing from Boise, Idaho, Nate B. "actually I don't live anywhere near Des Moines, thank you" Anderson '02 (no line) sympathizes with those who call relatively obscure states home.
Along those lines of mystery Anderson commented, "Yeah, I guess you could say I'm the dark-horse in this year's keg jump, but as anyone who's seen a steeple chase knows horses can jump better than people, so I think that puts me in the money."
Despite his inexperience, Nate B. is unfased by the nature of the contest saying,"I'm a lover AND a fighter -- those kegs don't have a prayer."
