This weekend, Upper Valley residents (total: 8) are offered a chance to take part in the fun-filled 3.5 day extravaganza known as "Dartmouth Winter Carnival." In case you haven't heard, Winter Carnival is a festive and highly regarded tradition, named in honor of its founder, "some guy."
Rather than going into the history and importance of Winter Carnival, which would involve making a lot of things up, which I could never do in good conscience after twice reporting that "Godzilla" is a food group, here is a run down of what will undoubtedly be this weekend's highlights:
THE THEME -- The theme of this year's Carnival is "Lest The Cold Traditions Fail," as selected by the Committee That Selects Annually What Should Lest Fail. This creative theme is supposed to reflect the massive influence that the Cold Traditions have on our campus, such as that even in July, your average Dartmouth student can easily pass for a bundled-up puffy North Face Space Martian. And this is before he or she even gets out of bed! "Lest The Cold Traditions Fail" narrowly edged out other popular suggested Carnival themes, like the Computer Science department's "Lest The 11001011010."
THE POLAR BEAR SWIM --Why do so many students every year brave the dangerous cold, and head out to Occum Pond to see a bunch of polar bears swim? The answer: there is no answer. A much better view of the bears is available during the spring, when the thick layer of ice covering the Pond has melted. Prizes, such as free pneumonia, are offered to the first fifteen hundred bazillion participants.
THE KEG JUMP " This has always been the highlight of Winter Carnival for everyone who enjoys blood and pain in their natural habitat, which is beer receptacles. Contrary to popular belief, the winner of the Keg Jump is determined not by which student jumps over the most kegs, but by the one who breaks the most bones. Will anyone ever shatter the all-time record of just over three hundred? Probably not, since the human body only contains something like two hundred. In response to the impending Trustee Student Life Initiative, last year students decided to call the Keg Jump off. This year, students have once again decided to call it the Keg Jump.
THE SNOW SCULPTURE " Due to infallible planning and foresight, each year's snow sculpture is completed roughly 1.6 seconds before Winter Carnival's opening ceremonies. Regardless of the intention behind it, the sculpture almost always turns out resembling some type of dinosaur, although historically there have been variations on this (i.e. a dinosaur with a crown, a dinosaur in a car). The eager freshman class usually performs the most work each year in completing the sculpture. Their endless joy can easily be overheard via such statements as "Wow, were we supposed to be building a dinosaur?" and "Ha look, I'm buried! Hey, stop throwing snow on me! People, please... AAAAAAAUGH."
THE BONFIRE -- Traditionally, at the end of every Carnival Weekend a large bonfire is constructed to burn down the snow sculpture and recover any students who may have ended up trapped in the middle of the dinosaur.
THE SWING BALL/DRAG BALL " After shocking and harrowing experiences three years in a row, nobody will ever convince me that these are not one and the same.
GREEN KEY WEEKEND " In an effort to control what is perceived to be widespread underage drinking, the College is holding this year's Green Key Weekend from 4-6 p.m. on Saturday in Collis Commonground. Festivities will be kicked off with a two-hour speech by Student Assembly President Dean Krishna.
VALENTINE'S DAY " Occurring on Monday, Valentine's Day culminates the weekend's gala of events. If you are among the lucky ones who happen to have a Valentine, be sure to tell Megan that you would prefer Thai food, thank you. If you do not have a Valentine this year, there is always next year. Unless the Y2K bug has infected Cupid, in which case everyone will be falling in love with people from pictures taken in the year 1901.
FRATERNITY PARTIES " After midnight, it's either these, or sitting at home and tying your shoelaces, while drunk, a record 464,809 times.
I fully expect this latest installment of Dartmouth Winter Carnival to be as dandy as ever. Evidence of the fun can be seen on the green for weeks to come, in the form of the place where a gigantic snow-filled dinosaur used to be. Incidentally, I have come up with a terrific idea for next year's sculpture: a life-sized Great Wall of China! We can call it the 'Great Wall of Hanover.' Sure, students might have difficult access to food, depending on how our Wall is angled. But I am still partial to the idea, and believe that it Should Lest Fail.
