Last week, at around this exact time (Wednesday), students, faculty and townspeople alike all got to witness a very rare and special event. An event so rare and special, that it could only occur once every four years, at the most. That's right -- there was a CNN trailer in Hanover!
Just what was this trailer doing here, you ask? Why had it come all the way up from wherever it is that CNN trailers come all the way up from? Quite possibly the bottom of the ocean, because frankly, you hardly ever see CNN trailers just cruising the strip, or at service stations, or waiting for food at a drive-thru? The answer was obvious to anyone who was lucky enough to be in the Upper Valley last week. As improbable as it may have seemed, a shocking news event indeed was in the making. Reports indicated -- get this -- that there was a CNN trailer in Hanover! And, by God, a CNN trailer was here to cover the story.
If you happened to observe closely (a.k.a. climb into one of the CNN trailers) like I did, you could watch report after report being sent live along its way, across the news wire, to millions of eager home viewers. "Hi, I'm Bernard Shaw," the anchorperson would say. "Our top story tonight: there is a CNN trailer in Hanover! For up-to-the-minute details, we now send it over to Bernard Shaw, in the CNN trailer." At which point the video feed would shift over to the other CNN trailer, across town, where Bernard Shaw would, to millions of eager home viewers, say the exact same thing. At which point the original CNN trailer would once again get the well-traveled feed, provided it was not eaten en route by hungry forest elk.
This report had already been issued several thousand times, with Bernard Shaw showing no signs of fatigue, when in an unrelated story, many leading presidential candidates -- this is an actual fact -- arrived in Hanover, possibly as the result of a wrong turn on their way to a place with more voters than trees. Everyone then suddenly stopped paying attention to the CNN trailers, and started paying attention to the leading presidential candidates, in the hopes that they (the candidates) would perhaps engage in an impromptu debate on The Issues (the issues). The Issues now and again become very important to the American Public. As one valuable citizen summed it up, "If we vote for Steve Forbes, I wonder if he will buy us a submarine."
And so the stage was set for debating. If you were anywhere near town, and I mean 'anywhere', and I'm fairly certain I also mean 'town', you could feel the "buzz" in the air. Specifically, the "buzz" of a number of Washington Insiders and CNN reporters who took to passing long stretches of time before and after the debates at local bars. They smelled just like students! It was a lovely time for politics; a more innocent time.
On day one of the debates, candidate Bill Bradley, who is widely considered quite conservative, but still technically a Democrat, exchanged verbal barbs on The Issues with Al Gore, who is widely considered our Vice-President, but still technically dead. On day two, several Republican candidates got up on stage and exchanged platforms. With the exception of former Reagan Administration Official Gary Bauer, who kept his so that he could reach the microphones. (Gary is very short.) Unfortunately, nobody really cared about the arrival of the Republican candidates, and this included the Republican candidates themselves, since they were without their front-runner "George" Washington Bush, who elected instead to stay home in Texas and set fire to the poor.
That notwithstanding, we here at The Dartmouth were lucky enough to obtain a transcript of the following extremely heated exchange on The Issues between the Democrats. So heated it was, in fact, that it temporarily re-animated Vice-President Gore, even causing him to speak.
Bradley: And that is why, once I am elected President of the United States, I will offer numerous key government positions to members of the National Basketball Association.
Gore: I am the father of the Internet.
Bradley: I'd like to introduce to everyone to our new Secretary of Defense, Latrell Sprewell.
Gore: I am a third cousin to the Internet, twice removed.
Bradley: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to the Chairperson For Slam Dunking Our Nation's Enemies, Scottie Pippen.
Gore: I once took the Internet for several walks, while its owners were out on vacation.
Bradley: I hereby declare Shaquille O'Neal "King of Earth."
Gore: (Begins to slump over.)
Bradley: And something about healthcare.
Gore: (Dies.)
John McCain: I'm not even a Democrat.
Alan Keyes: I'm not even a politician!
George W. Bush: I'm not even here!
Orrin Hatch: My name sounds kind of like "Down the Hatch".
Bernard Shaw: We now send it over to Bernard Shaw Bernard, are you there?
Judging by all of this, one fact becomes readily apparent: it would be a wise idea for the voting public, on the next Election Day, to hurl itself off of the nearest government building. If you happen to live in an area that contains no government buildings, and you do not have direct access to electricity and water, don't worry -- you can still make the correct decision this upcoming Election Day. Namely by casting your vote, along with millions of other people, for the largest CNN trailer in your town. Now granted, it may not be alive, but it's got a pretty decent jump shot. And, as an added bonus, if we vote for it, it has never explicitly stated that it will not buy us a submarine.
