In an unprecedented and extremely controversial move yesterday five very uninfluencial seniors publicly announced the Greek system in an act of defiance to their former state of ignorance. William Coyne '00, Lucas Braun '00, Ben Rifkin '00, Christian Budde '00, and Drew Gardiner '00 made statements to the media yesterday acknowledging their full understanding that their place of residence has a much greater social significance. "We know now that we are Greeks. We thought we were just friends but now we know that we are more than friends. Budde is also Italian which is downright confusing for him right now. It's been a long day." In a statement devoid of adverbs, the Facetious Five indicated that their goal in announcing the Greek system is to make sure all students on campus realize they too may be in a Greek organization unknowingly, or not knowingly, or knowingly just a little bit.
Christian Budde '00 said in an interview yesterday, "I was recently arriving at my house when somebody yelled 'Hey fratboy, what frat is this?' Confused, I looked up at the house and didn't see a sign or any letters just a couple of my buddies on the porch hanging out. It wasn't till later in the day I heard from a person on the street that they call my house by a Greek name. I always thought 'frat' was just some sort of position on the guitar. That's when I realized I was a member of a Greek organization. I quickly let all of my housemates know that we are Greeks. Coyne thinks he is Irish though so I made him sit down first before I told him the news."
Lucas Braun '00 said, "Absolutely nothing," in a short interview.
After the announcement that the Greek system does exist Drew Gardiner said he is looking forward to reaping all of the intellectual benefits a Greek organization offers its members: "I can't wait to learn Greek, a lot of famous philosophers were Greek. I like gyros. They're Greek right?"
Ben Rifkin replied to questions about the impact of the announcement on his life declaring, "It's all Greek to me", in a tonal voice.
And in his first public statement since the embarrassing Mach 3 razor stealing scandal ruined his chances of running for SA president, William Coyne '00 asked, "Does this mean I can be elitist and exclusive?"
This announcement of course had ramifications for student politics on campus as well. Many members of the SA protested, "They let Greeks into this school?"
The Facetious Five were asked to comment about their stance on the upcoming "Residential Life Initiative." William Coyne '00 summed up their position by stating, "This is all so new to us. Of course, as soon as we realized that we were members of a Greek organization we realized there was a Trustee Steering Committee deciding our future. We immediately contacted them to perhaps arrange a private meeting. They denied us the chance to speak with them and so we have since chartered our own committee, to counter their committee, called the Trusty Rack-and-Pinion Committee. It is better. We will conduct an extensive review of the Greek system in the next few minutes and make a decision once we have it translated into Greek and all of the people who will be influenced by the decision have gone home so they wont break stuff when we give them the bad news."
Lucas Braun '00 stated, "My main concern is how being Greek will affect my life at Dartmouth. I have a ton of friends at this school and I don't think all of them are Greeks or in my organization. I'm serious about all the friends I have, I'm very social."
When the Facetious Five were asked to comment on another group of influential seniors who have recently denounced the Greek system, the group gave mixed answers. Christian Budde '00 said " Two words: Aries and Hercules " Ben Rifkin '00 replied, "Aries and Hercules are fast and strong, respectively." In full combat fatigues Drew Gardiner added, "This is about Vietnam," as he checked the action on his AK-47 assault rifle. Christian Budde '00 said, "We are five, they are five. That is something in common. I'm sure we can work out our differences. " Lucas Braun '00 simply responded, "What?"
So as the debate rages on about the future of our collective social lives at Dartmouth, one thing is for certain: there are at least ten people on this campus that know where they stand.
