When I look around Dartmouth College, I don't see the ivy-covered bastion of tradition for which we were once known and revered. I see a campus in motion, a campus of change -- for better or for worse. And with change comes the uprooting of tradition and history, something that must always be treated delicately, like a hyperactive kid with a pair of scissors. Recently, I learned that high-ranking college officials were thinking of ending the presence of an integral, influential, powerful and longstanding campus institution: the Student Assembly.
While it would be foolish to claim that the SA is without its flaws, I don't think any campus organization here is perfect -- after all, this ain't Harvard. But to take away the SA is to take away the very lifeblood of the student body. I mean, can you imagine what Dartmouth College would look like without the Student Assembly?
Since I'm far from what anyone would call a "Student Assembly Insider," or even an "intelligent person," maybe I'm not the best-suited person to defend the SA. But that's exactly my point. You don't have to be an "insider" to see all the good things that the Student Assembly has brought this campus and the integral role it plays in the day-to-day life of the average Dartmouth student.
Without the Student Assembly, Dartmouth College would be the unthinkable: a tyrannically ruled institution that can be altered at the slightest whim of distant Trustees. Without the powerful SA to give voice to the many students' concerns, it would, hypothetically, be possible for the Trustees to call an end to Dartmouth (as we know it), without any input whatsoever from the students. And this would not be a referendum. As Jorge Miranda said way back in the March 5 issue of The Dartmouth, "The Assembly is tired of being the administration's lap dog, and students want more power and voice and the SA will go for that." Once the already almighty Student Assembly gains this mystical additional "power and voice," it will be an unstoppable force capable of making even more committees. These committees, by the power invested in them through the Super SA, will have the critical ability to use the term "WHEREAS" several times in all their reports.
Where else but the Student Assembly can eager young blood-sucking politicians-to-be learn to hone and sharpen their skills? The SA offers the only outlet for students to practice the art of making shady, underhanded, borderline-illegal deals. Tom Leatherbee '01, current SA member, recently benefited greatly from the important on-campus existence of the Assembly. Through no other campus organization could he learn to make morally indefensible bribes without being reprimanded or expected to atone for his crime.
The Assembly, like Career Services, also helps with resumes. There's no easier way to add that extra pizzazz to a Dartmouth degree than to make a few under-the-table deals to earn a spot on the Assembly. Then all you have to do is sit back, kick up your heels, and listen to a few hours a week of pointless, hollow rhetoric and your resume will be all the more impressive.
While opponents of the Student Assembly point to the complete and utter lack of any tangible results the SA has achieved, I disagree. Look at all those shiny new iMacs you can use to check your mail. They didn't just grow out of the woodwork, they took years and years and dozens of committees and rallies to implement. And besides, who wants tangible results when you can form endless committees? I hear that at some of these committee meetings, there's even free pizza!
Sure, slick-talking Kevan Higgins might try to con you into believing that the Student Assembly is little more than a high school government making empty high-school-government-promises of "more ice cream in the cafeteria, less homework, and hookers for everyone!" but don't be disillusioned. Higgins is just upset because the Assembly has done nothing yet to slow the fascist and illogical takeover of the Greek system. And while he does make a valid point, did I mention that you can check blitz from almost anywhere on campus? He might call me nothing more than a mindless puppet of the SA, but I would write this column even if high-ranking SA officers didn't promise to do my laundry for the rest of my Dartmouth career.
As more and more important, worthwhile campus organizations are being unfairly torn from what was once the "Dartmouth experience," we have an important decision to make. Should the Student Assembly go? The answer is clear (to a silent minority): No. If you have any questions or comments about this column, please blitz me; thanks in large part to the valiant and noble efforts of the Student Assembly, I will be checking blitz often from shiny new iMacs all around campus.
