Rush.
The word itself has so many implications that it's hard to tell why it's even called rush in the first place. Is it because women have to rush all over campus to sororities and kiss ass quickly, only to rush onto the next house? Or is it because when men don't get bids at their favorite houses, they have to scramble to get bids at another house? What about the rush you get when someone comes to your room to tell you that they want you in their house?
Is it describing the rush that the Greek system itself has to go through, cleaning up the houses, recruiting new members, showering, putting on ties, even kissing a little ass themselves? Is it a rush to get out of the freshman syndrome of being happy-go-lucky? Finally entering into something which, while serious, may not be the appropriate word in all cases, is at least meaningful and binding?
The more I think about it, the more freshman year seems like the promised land. I could go wherever I wanted and get free beer, meet people, hang out with friends and generally be an idiot. My first reaction to seeing the freshmen get here this year was one of sincere contempt and almost disbelief that these people, who have not even the first clue about what goes on at Dartmouth, what standard protocol is, what is "cool" and not cool, or even what is acceptable, are running around expecting everyone to be friendly to them. I see them everywhere, groups of 10 to 20 roaming around, asking directions, striking up conversations in the line at Food Court, generally being over friendly and almost obnoxious in their cuteness. I became bitter. I told someone, "These kids need to realize that not everyone at this school is as happy as they are." He laughed at that.
But it's kind of ridiculous that I have to be bitter at first-year students because they have innocent fun, and I don't. Yes? I've got five terms left as a student at Dartmouth; these guys have 12. Must I, by right of being older and closer to having to deal with life in the real world, hate them? Probably not, but it's a lot easier to be bitter at them than to be happy for them.
Because, let's face it, we elders, or at least myself, have nearly reached the "point of no return" in our choices. My choices started in high school when I decided to come here. Once I got here, I chose friends, classes, activities, a fraternity, an FSP, a major, a double major and basically anything one could possibly be asked to choose as just another kid in a school of 4,000 white people who all dress the same. I can't say that I regret my choices, because I seem to have found a niche in a school where I felt nicheless through much of my freshman year. An independence from the norm, or at least a spot on the fringe of the norm, which is the most Dartmouth probably has to offer.
Last Friday when I went to my first classes of the term, it was the first class day of my Dartmouth career where I felt I was actually in classes that I liked, classes that I felt would be fulfilling and interesting, classes of my own choosing! All three of them. But then, of course, I had to drop one to get a major prerequisite.
I don't regret my choices, but I can't help thinking back to some of the avenues I was offered as a freshman that I never pursued, like Big Brother/Big Sister or classes in religion and philosophy or getting involved with outdoorsy groups like Ledyard. I chose not to pursue these things, but maybe if I had, I would've had a completely different experience at Dartmouth. I'm haunted by what-ifs.
Of course, had I pursued these other things, I'd probably be doing the same thing now. A friend of mine, a '99, said to me a week ago, "Y'know, I kind of wish I had rushed." When I asked him why, as that was the first time anyone had ever said that to me, he responded, "I don't know, I just feel like I might've missed out on something." Perhaps he did, but didn't he also get something that half the campus doesn't? God Damn Independence?
The "glass half-full" people out there will undoubtedly say, "Christ, man, you're a junior! You've got two years left!" That's definitely true. I could and probably should explore these other things before I leave, and given the opportunity and the time, I will. But I think that we, as people, generally reach a point where if you're happy, you're comfortable, and you're on a certain track, there's no reason to deviate from it. I am happy, goddammit! My choices have gotten me more happiness than I thought this school could yield me.
But I'm still bitter at the freshmen. Many of them will have the same experiences I've had and will be happy. Some will be unhappy. Others will choose different paths. However cliche and trite this sounds, I seriously wish I could go back and do it all again, just to see what would happen.
