I spent last term working at an international refugee center in Chicago. It was, to say the least, an absolutely wonderful experience, perhaps even the best 10 weeks of my short life.
When I first decided to apply for a Tucker Fellowship, I talked to a lot of people who had done them and other internships in the past. The people that I talked to about their great off-term experiences all had a certain glow in their faces. They all seemed so together, like they had figured "it" out -- whatever "it" was -- while they were away. Everyone seemed to return to Dartmouth with a new enthusiasm for life in general. I didn't think the same thing would happen to me. I couldn't really understand how my life could be significantly changed during a few short months, but I did hope that I would have some sort of life-altering experience. The fall and winter terms at Dartmouth had left me with the impression that, well, my life could use some altering. I decided to go to Chicago, even though I was petrified.
I left Dartmouth clutching two suitcases and hanging on to my pound puppy for dear life. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had to adjust to a new city, three roommates that I didn't know, and a full-time job. It was pretty scary. While trying to settle into my new life, I got lost on the streets more than a few times, had a few run-ins with some freaky people on the subway, and then began to absolutely love my happy little existence.
I loved my job and felt very fulfilled by it. I taught Vietnamese and Cambodian adults English and tutored Ethiopian refugee children in algebra, reading and writing. The strength and courage of the children and adults were continually inspiring to me, and I knew that I was making a difference in their lives. At the end of the day, I walked home along the lake shore bike path, cooked one of my favorite recipes, and then relaxed. There were no research papers or deadlines or meetings to go to. I had time for myself and the things I wanted to do most. I went to free days at all the museums. I ate in little ethnic bakeries. I did silly paint with waters and watched cheesy movies like "One Fine Day" on HBO and did not feel guilty about it. I was lonely at first, but I eventually realized that being alone isn't necessarily synonymous with feeling lonely. I felt completely at peace for one of the first times in my life. Instead of stressing about life and what it means, I was truly living it.
The 10 weeks were over before I knew it. I cried when I said good-bye to all the kids and the people I'd met and the city that I had grown to love. But I was excited to come back to Dartmouth to see my friends and to participate in the activities that I'd been missing. I was looking forward to falling asleep in the afternoon sun on the Green, hearing the Baker bells, and hiking Velvet Rocks.
Now that I'm back, I'm trying to remember exactly what studying feels like and I'm slowly rediscovering that reading books for class requires a different mind-set than reading them for pleasure. I love living in the river apartments with my roommates and the classic Nintendo system that we set up and our ongoing silliness war with the neighbors across the hall. I'm not loving the fact that last weekend I started to stress about classes for no apparent reason. So I switched out of Econ 22 and immediately felt a whole lot better.
I'm still trying to ascertain the ways in which my life changed while I was in Chicago. It was only last night that I was playing my 27th Nintendo game of Adventure Island and whining to my roommates: "But I don't wa-ant to do work. I just feel so out of sorts." The feeling only lasted a little while and pretty soon I was back in prime form. I think I've smiled more since I've been back here than I did during all of winter term. I even wake up before my alarm every morning and eat breakfast and make my bed. I definitely have more energy than I did before.
I still don't get it all. In fact, I'm still extremely clueless about a great many things. What I do realize is that doing something I love -- helping others -- is more than enough to keep me happy. I also realize that stress is not a necessary component of life. In Chicago, I spent so little time stressing that I had lots of time to smile and to make other people smile and laugh. People who know what a great time I had during my off-term keep asking me if I think the feeling of peace and contentment can transfer to Dartmouth. I'm not quite sure about that one. If midterms and papers and unexpected crises didn't exist, perhaps I would be perfectly content in Hanover. Maybe I still can be. As for right now, I am happy, and I'm not going to worry about the future. I'm going to play another game of Adventure Island.
