Well, not to make anyone feel inferior, but it seems that -- surprise! -- once again the incoming freshmen are the smartest, most talented people Dartmouth has ever amalgamated into one class. As The D would have noted in last Wednesday's article were the paper not already full of such earth-shattering signs of impending apocalypse as "Hanover approves new garage," members of the '02 class, according to the Admissions Office, "are just great people. They are all the valedictorians of their schools, even all 20 who came from Stuyvesant. They are all the authors of prize-winning novels, and they solve differential equations with a smaller expenditure of mental energy than you, upperclass retard, need to separate your dirty laundry.
"Many of them will not mind being stuck in the River and the Choates next year, since they are capable of using their enormous minds to teleport directly to food court. Eighteen students -- the largest number the College has ever enrolled -- walk on water in their spare time. Several members of the class have previously balanced ruling the world with designing thermonuclear warheads and curing AIDS. Also, Jesus Christ is matriculating next year."
As was actually noted Wednesday by The D (motto: "All that graces these pages is true but not necessarily newsworthy."), the '02 class "could be the largest in five years, despite the fact that it had the lowest number of admittances for that time period." So it looks like Dartmouth is getting more picky about who gets to come here -- as opposed to back when the rest of us applied. The cynic in me tends to doubt, though, that every new class is smarter than the two hundred plus that preceded it. I mean, how about some of those guys from like the class of 1857 you see on big weekends? I would say that people who, in their time not spent running the planet, are able to wave the Magic Money Wand and bespeckle the campus with new buildings have pretty well figured out how the world runs.
But I suppose it really wouldn't be diplomatic of Admissions to admit it even if we enrolled a class of total screw-ups. Can you imagine Karl Furstenberg being quoted in The D (motto: "Turf Management at Dartmouth is real news!") as saying, "Yeah, well, I don't know what happened this year. We just enrolled the biggest bunch of losers you have ever seen. It's not even that all the good ones went to Harvard. Nationally speaking, this graduating high school class was, as we like to say in education, beaten with the dumb stick."
Whether the '02s are as amazing as advertised or are the subjects of a bit of polite hyperbole, they at least should be an interesting bunch. Aside from the normal 900-some people from the greater Boston area, we apparently picked up eight women from Wyoming. Wow. Wyoming is just taking over, all you from Massachusetts. The '02s also include 28 students from New Hampshire -- which I was not aware graduated 28 seniors this year.
And guess what? We get 20 more people from Stuyvesant! Is it just me or is there some cruel joke going on where no one explains the idea of "distributive requirement" to them? Those poor kids. Eagerly anticipating four more years of hardcore math and science, they are probably blissfully unaware that they are going to be forced to take upwards of four courses that involve reading books and that do not in any way require you to take the partial derivative of something.
Well, I for one am looking forward to meeting the '02s. As Dean Furstenberg said in the recent feature in The D (motto: "Dartmouth's definitive source for dorm birthday party information and in-depth profiles of people who are almost important."), "We've had an incredibly good year. The quality and mix are exceptional." To borrow from Dave Barry, I am not making this up. Did we enroll a new bunch of students or did we also mash them up and ferment them first? At any rate, since it was apparently such a good vintage year, I can't wait to meet the next bunch of 'shmen. Especially Jesus.
