I spent one Saturday a long while back in the basement of Chi Heorot fraternity. Four of us -- a close female friend of mine and two guy friends -- were talking, just passing the time on an average Dartmouth night out.
Suddenly, one of the guys noticed that a Pong table near us was unoccupied. "Whooooooooaaaa Dan, look at that," he breathed out, motioning to the vacant plywood slab, almost drooling. They each let out a series of guy grunt-moans, quivering in anticipation of the forthcoming game of Beer Pong.
Paying obeisance to our presence, Dan turned to Jen and me: "Do you want to donate those beers to the cause?" We handed them over and, after declining to join in the challenge, stepped back to watch.
Dan and Jon are both ex-rowers. Heavyweights. Dan is a Heorot brother, and Jon earned his fame my freshman year for having 3 percent body fat. There is the possibility that they might have turned their noses up in disgust at an ordinary ping pong tournament. Yet, there they were, paddles in hand, chasing a flimsy plastic ball, bleating with the joy of playing Pong as they attempted to sink the ball in each other's beer.
Obviously, the element that allows ping pong to become the terrain of "real men" is beer. So what would happen, I wondered, if we added beer to other stereotypically non-macho activities? I shared my thought with Jen, and, as the two of us bobbed our heads from left to right, in unison, watching the ball bounce from Jon to Dan, we envisioned a world in which the beer flows freely through all activities ...
Beer Badminton: quite akin to ping pong, it is a perfect candidate. The cups of beer could be placed on the floor of the court, adding the extra challenge of playing the game without kicking over the beer -- Badminton Beer Slalom. It would be a little more dangerous, of course, what with drunken students swinging rackets, but wouldn't it be worth it just to see a stocky football type say, "Yo dude, can you toss me that birdie?"
Beer Golf: what better way to turn an upper-crust corporate sport into something for the common Dartmouth student. Who was it who said, golf is a good walk spoiled? Perhaps following a Beer Caddie across the course would have changed his mind.
Beer Nail Polishing: If you get polish on your cuticle, you have to drink. Picture all those guys sporting Revlon's Virtual Violet, trying to "boot and rally" without smudging a nail.
Beer Chess: Now here is the way to promote a more intellectual environment at Dartmouth. Drink every time you hit the timer. Just picture Bobby Fisher looking up after contemplating a tough move and saying "Drink" instead of "Check." CUI: Checkmate Under the Influence.
Beer Religious Services: "Now let's turn to Psalm 23 and drink." Drink when the choir sings hallelujah. Chug when the congregation choruses amen. The Lord is my beer man, I shall not want ...
Beer Shopping: Drink when you find a pair of pants that fits perfectly. Only lite beer can be used in this game, of course.
Beer Bingo: Drinking, an illicit activity of underage college students, becomes a fun family event, something to play when Grandma and Grandpa come to visit. Picture waking up the next morning covered with dots from a Bingo magic marker. Hey, at least you would know where you had been.
Of course, Jen and I soon realized, there are certain sports and activities that would not mix well with alcohol at all: Beer Rollerblading -- ouch; Beer Skiing -- drink when you hit a tree? Double ouch. There are other impediments to the Beer in Pong spreading to other precincts: With the new three-keg rule in place here at Dartmouth, Pong aficionados cannot be expected to cheer competition that diverts the flow.
As Jen and I sat on a low wall in Heorot's basement and took in the revelry, we concluded that Beer Pong is invaluable to Dartmouth's social scene. How inventive people become at a school in the middle of the wilderness.
Tennis, anyone?
